Searching...

Not been up to my best lately. Motivation has been hard to come by. I seem to find it a challenge to look forward to the next day with any sense of excitement or anticipation. It seems like I am just going with the flow, wherever that might take me. I feel as though I do not have much care in the world about what might transpire or happen. It is almost like I am waiting in anticipation for some magic / miracle to happen and shake me up to life again. It has been some wait, and I only have the sense of someone drifting aimlessly in a big and lonely ocean (pretty much like that guy in that movie Life of Pi). 

Maybe at times what I need is a time to myself? A carefree feeling when you do not have to worry about anything, like someone waiting on you, or the feeling of having to keep pace with everyone else. Or the feeling of having to meet the expectation of the people around you. Perhaps it will be a good thing to just sit or lie down in a hammock under the shade of a coconut tree at the beach, and just stare into the vastness of the sea, letting the time pass by you as if nothing else matters but that moment itself. To just let myself sink in the moment of idleness.

Dear selfie,

Where are you? Please come home...

These are difficult times. I have to admit I have never felt this way before for a long time. I have been struggling to find ways to cheer myself up. All to no avail. There is this struggle within me to convince myself that I am worthy, or that everything will turn out ok. It scares me at times that I worry about almost everything almost everyday these days, that it almost feels like I am lost walking in a very dark and foggy forest. There is that real fear within me that I may not be able to find the light in the sky anytime soon.

It is funny how even the smallest of changes can accumulate and end up becoming something so big and potentially life-changing. It feels as though this feeling I am having now has started quite a while back, although I suspect back then it was a feeling which I could manage and hide. It has come to a point whereby it bothers me to no end, and it feels as though it is being fed to be be fat enough to whisper negative thoughts into my head incessantly. Thoughts like, "Am I not worthy? Why did I let that happen? Why did I just leave that guy off the hook so easily? I could have done more to make things better..."... these are amongst the thoughts that keep playing in my head at the moment, consciously and subconsciously, and they are could be so deafening that I could sometimes barely hear anything else.

Oh Allah... I have no one else to run to but you. Give me the strength oh Allah. The saddest part in this whole sad episode I am going through now is that, because of what it does to my peace of mind, I can't seem to bring myself to be closer to you. I feel as helpless as a chicken in a slaughterhouse, just waiting for his next turn to be slaughtered. I need the strength... and there is no one in this world but you o Allah who could wake me up from this lowest moment I am going through but You.

I need help... I need to wake up...

Khutbah today

The khutbah today gets me into self-reflection mode. Do we realise how much we sin everyday, and what do we do about it? 

Reading the Quran

I realised that it takes me only approximately 40 minutes to read half juzu' of the Quran. And had i discplinely read it twice a day on 40 minutes sitting each, i would have been able to complete reading the whole Quran in this month of Ramadhan. That is only 80 minutes of my 24 hours or 1,440 minutes day. Sometimes, success lies in putting your task into perspective. As much as it saddens me that this realisation comes a bit too late as Ramadhan comes to a close, i hope this lesson shall serve me well to continue with my amal of reading of the Quran, and set myself the target of completing reading the Quran again. Hopefully, it will become a norm for me enough tha by the time Ramadhan is upon me again next year ( Insya-Allah), i shall be more prepared and deserving of the rewards that come with it. Amiin.

My Ramadhan Report Card

Salams... Ramadhan is almost leaving us. Today is the last day of Ramadhan, and we Muslims will be celebrating Syawal Aidilfitri tomorrow. 

I feel like it was only yesterday Ramadhan was upon us. And today it is leaving us again... It will be another year before we will be graced by this holy month again. Has this Ramadhan been a fruitful one for me?

In perspective, i can probably say that it has been one of my more fruitful ones, if the Ramadhan of more recent years are compared to. On the same note howevevr, i can't really look back and say that I have done enough and taken full advantage of the benefits of the month in terms of my ibadah as a whole. I guess i started the month well with my Quran recitations and appreciation of the Quran. I ventured into reading the interpretation of the Quran on top of reciting it, and it gave me a deeper feeling of appreciation of it. Other aspects of my ibadah sort of grew from the beginning of the month, and I had the sense of peace and hope that it will grow stronger towards the end of the month, to peak and climax in time for the last 10 days of the month when the night of Qadar is said in the Quran to be upon us.

But alas, the momentum that i tried to build at the beginning did not last as long as I hoped, and i sort of gotten drag by the usual worldly preoccupation towards the end of it, barely managing to bring myself to improve upon my ibadah as Ramadhan comes to a close.

I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like being visited by a very special and most rewarding guest,whose visit had been awaited for the whole year. Whose visit had been longed and fondly missed, of which by the time it came, i shed a tear of joy because i had missed it so much. Sadly then, instead of cherishing the guest's presence, i behaved nonchalantly towards the end of its stay until time has run out and it is time for the guest to leave again. 

Forgive me ya Allah for allowing my ignorance to let this happen, again. 

My doa is that whatever small improvements that i have made to my ibadah over this last month, to be continued (istiqamah) and improved upon. The reading of the Quran. The sunnat prayers. The visits to the masjid. The jamaah in solat. The reading of Islamic books. If anything, I pray that my istiqamah will be my saving grace from this Ramadhan, and that i will be given the chance yet again to try and make amends, and be a most thankful and appreciative host of the next Ramadhan in the coming year. Amiin.

A Wish for a Despicable Person

Received an email from work just after dinner that is causing me stress to no end at the moment. My mind can't stop thinking of how annoying it was, and how things could have been said differently. Or how or what i could have done to avoid receiving such language and tone in the email. I rarely wish for bad things to happen to others, but in the case of this one person i will make an exception. I wish for the worst to befall you, and that you will be cursed with a lot of pain, anguish, distress, worry and perpetual failure in whatever you do, for as long as you treat other people in this manner.

Amiin.

Raining in My Heart...

The sun is out - the sky is blue 

there’s not a cloud to spoil the view 

but it’s raining - raining in my heart 

The weather man says clear today 

he doesn’t know you’ve gone away 

and it’s raining - raining in my heart 

Oh, misery - misery 

what’s gonna become of me 

I tell my blues they mustn’t show 

but soon these tears are bound to flow 

cause it’s raining - raining in my heart 

But it’s raining - raining in my heart 

And it’s raining - raining in my heart

By Buddy Holly

Letting Go...

I just have to accept that what i expect will not happen, and then maybe it will be easier for me to be at peace with what's going on. Maybe then there will not be too much resistance, and less tension. 

But..

Maybe then we'll just drift apart and diverge in our own ways... Lost in our own paths that brings our own personal comfort and complacency. Just like the universe itself which keeps expanding itself, it seems like the natural order of things to drift apart and diverge from the original point of emergence. Sometimes the force of divergence is too strong and so varied in its form, just holding on can be such a stressful and painful experience. At times, such as now, i do not know whether i should care. 

Maybe i just have too many ideals. And my ideals are just not acceptable to some. Maybe people find them bothersome. The suggestion to accept my ideals becomes like an intrusion, a question of the validity of one's own ideals. People get defensive. They fight back. They become contemptuos. Hence, what started as an attempt in sharing ideals for the common good instead becomes a game of contempt, bad faith, anger and frustration.

The last straw will be the lost of hope and faith. As it is now, it feels like the last straw may have been nudged enough to fall loose with the slightest of pull next.

Maybe i just have to accept the inevitable. Maybe then i will be at peace again and be able reconstruct my spirits to be strong and independent again. Maybe then the hurt will go, or at least not as intense.

Maybe...

Missing Her...

It is late at night. It has been a number of nights without the company of wifey. She has been desperately busy with her company's budget cycle, spending long hours at the office, coming home only for a wash and change of clothes. It has been over a week like this. It feels funny not having her around, and having to manage the kids all by myself. Well, not exactly all by myself, with my Bibik's help always at hand. Nevertheless, it feels lonely without wifey's presence. 

I noticed that whenever we did see her over this last one week, it was obvious that her mind was still engaged in work, mentally and emotionally. Coming home was just a passing motion, a necessity borne out of the need to wash and change of clothes. I could sense though that her heart wanted to break out of the claw of the stress of her work, and reaching out to us with care for nothing else. But I know it was hard. Been through it myself and struggled, although the extent might not be the same...

How do i feel about all this? Like I've said... Lonely. I miss my wife. I miss just having her around. Missing to hear her voice telling me of her stories at work or the latest updates of the score of Malay dramas that she follows, even if the truth is I have never been really listening for more than half of the time. I sorely miss her, that I find myself struggling to sleep at night. I would stay up until late fiddling with my phone, browsing my FB page or the scores of news about Arsenal on my Safari bookmark on my Iphone 5, tryimg to bore myself to sleep. Fortunately, I have managed to eventually sleep these last couple of days doing just that, though it has been taking me till the wee hours in the morning doing so. Having surah Yusuf playing from my IPad has somehow helped to bring calm and peace in my heart, and has eased me somewhat to sleep these last couple of days...

I miss you sayang. I know you are surely feeling more miserable than I do at this moment, having to spend crazy hours with number crunching and preparing presentations. May Allah give you the strength to go through this difficult moment, and grant you with His blessings. Insya-Allah it will be over soon...

Testing...

Somthing funny is going on in Blogger. Seems like whenever I try to go to this blog address, I will be redirected to a site called Kunichi (or something like that) which says that the name site of my blog is available for sale. What?! Let's see if this test will get posted... it annoys me when someone / something claims what's mine to be theirs... sheeshh...

From No Stress To Fatal Stress

I received this article via email from my father. An eye-opener to how fatal stress can be to a person than we give it credit for...

From No Stress To Fatal Stress
 
"I would like to share with you an actual but very sad occurrence which I
hope may get you guys to ponder over what constitutes anxieties,
extremities and unnecessary over reactions. A long story... but worth
reading for lessons learned.... you may want to pass on to others.
 
One of my friend's father who is a retiree in his mid-60s, is perfectly
healthy looking and behaving normal, plays his round of golf each Sunday,
does a fair bit of gardening, keeps himself busy the rest of his time
helping his son's (my friend's) little retail business, and goes on
tour/trips every now and then .....
 
He was persuaded by his daughters and other well wishers to go for His
medical checkup which he had last done before retirement some 10 years ago

Testing - There's something fishy in Blogger...

Something funny has been happening to this blog of late. It seems to lead you to a blogrolling site whenever you get here. I know i've been on a long hiatus, but it does worry me to think if all i've written here suddenly disappears. It's kinda like a small archive of my life...

..........

It has been a long time since any last meaningful update here... So much has happened. But too little (or almost nil) inspiration to write. I guess this is what happens to you when you're all work and no play. A big part of inside you dies. You become dull...

Memories Are Made of These...

A day before Hari Raya Aidilfitri, I went out to run some pre-Raya errands. I had some important documents to send through the snail-mail, and they was also the small matter of having the car checked and serviced before our long distance journey up north over the Raya period. I had all the errands lined up nicely, and to my estimation I would have them all done by 3pm, giving me sufficient time to rest in the afternoon before iftar.

That is of course, until Insyirah insisted on tagging along with me...

I guess most fathers out there can testify how much longer short errands would take with a kid(s) in tow. The following were the errands that I ran on that day in the order that I had planned them, and the time that I had estimated it would take:

Planned Itinerary

Leave the house - 9.30am

Arrive at post office to arrange for delivery of documents - 9.45am

Arrive at car workshop to perform minor service - 10am

Have car washed and polished - 12pm

All chores completed and be back at home - 3pm

With Insyirah on tow, of course there variations to the plan:

The Actual Itinerary

Leave the house - 9.45am (she had to get ready)

Arrive at post office to arrange for delivery of documents - 10am

Drive to KFC for nuggets and fries - 10.20am (we were actually there already at 10am as the KFC was next to the post office. But she insisted she wasn't hungry until AFTER we left the place. So we had to drive back there after having driven away for a couple of minutes...)

Arrive at car workshop to perform minor service - 11.30am (KFC only started serving nuggets from 11am. So we waited until then before finally leaving...)

Have car washed and polished - 1.30pm (while we waited for the car to be washed, we went inside the nearby shopping mall to pass the time. Through a mixture of tiredness as well as absent-mindedness, I ended up buying her a bubble machine and an authentic cat-bank that cost me a fortune... mental note to self: not to be such a softy to her pleas in the future...).

All chores completed and be back at home - 5pm (finally...)

In conclusion...

The planned time to complete chores by myself - 6 hours

The time taken to complete chores with Insyirah on tow - 8 hours (plus extra unplanned expenses...)

The memories made from the outing - Timeless...

'Abah, I Think You're Going To Be Rich...'

A couple of days ago, Insyirah raised a curious subject for a conversation. I was driving the car at the time, with Insyirah sitting in the front seat with me, properly strapped in her booster seat. Wifey and Ihsan were in the back seat. It was the second weekend in the month of Ramadhan and we were driving to Subang Parade for some pre-Raya shopping.

I noticed that she was in considerable deep thought before she started:

Insyirah: Abah, I think one day you are going to be very rich...

I was slightly surprised by this sudden revelation of her thoughts, not to mention amused too.

Me: Amiin... I hope you're right Insyirah. But, what makes you say that?

Insyirah: Well, all men become rich one day...

She gave a slight pause after saying this, before continuing again, correcting herself...

Insyirah: But not all men... only some men become rich I think. Hmmm... but you Abah are going to be very rich...

Me: Thanks Insyirah... I hope you're right sayang. You know Insyirah, people say if you say it many times enough, what you say could become true you know.

Hearing this, Insyirah went on a jingle saying it again and again...

Insyirah: Abah's gonna be rich... Abah's gonna be rich... Abah's gonna be rich... and on and on she went...

It does make me wonder what made her say it all of a sudden. I can only hope that it becomes true one day, especially it was in the month of Ramadhan that she said it...;). Amiin.

To everyone out there, may you have had a very fruitful Ramadhan.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri and Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

My First Formal Malay Letter in Years

I just wrote my first Malay letter in years! I didn't actually have to do so, but having spoken to the particular official whom I had to raise my issues with in my (formal) mother-tongue language, I felt obliged to follow up with a Malay email when I was asked to write in for a formal explanation of events.

So here is my first formal letter written in Malay in years. I'm actually quite proud of it too... ;)

Quote

Salams Ina,

Merujuk kepada perbualan kita tadi.

Dilampirkan bersama email ini adalah salinan kepada e-resit CIMBClicks saya untuk bayaran yuran keahlian Kelab Tasik Putrajaya pada bulan December 2009 berjumlah RM200yang saya dapati tidak direkod oleh pihak Kelab.

Berdasarkan penyata akaun saya yang bernombor DN063893 bertarikh 30/04/2010, jumlah yang tertunggak adalah RM500. Sekiranya jumlah bayaran yang tidak direkod berjumlah RM200 ini diambil kira, jumlah yuran tertunggak untuk tempoh yang sama hanya bernilai RM300. Berdasarkan ini, jumlah yuran tertunggak untuk penyata bertarikh 31/5/2010 akan berjumlah RM350.

Harap balas email saya ini untuk mengesahkan penerimaan email ini. Harap penyata yuran saya seterusnya akan dikemaskinikan dan saya akan langsaikan segala jumlah tertunggak selepas mendapat penyata yang telah diperbetul dan dikemaskinikan.

Sekian terima kasih.

Yang benar,

Unquote

Little Sleepyhead

Ameer Ihsan catching a nap... :)

Love Can Last The Test Of Fate And Time.. Or Can It?

I read the following piece of news from Yahoo today. I just find it simply amazing how a couple could be separated for such a long time, and still enough love for each other after all those years to be together again. I mean, 16 years is not a short space of time. Imagine how many people you could have met in that time, and the number of times you could have fallen in and out of love.

Having said that, perhaps this is a testament of true love, or is it? The cynical in me suspects it is probably a case of both persons not having much to choose from (or themselves not much for other people to choose), and it's simply a case of settling on the basis of a love letter lost for 16 years.

The following news was taken from the following site: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090720/wl_uk_afp/britainspainloveoffbeat_20090720093400

Lost Love Letter Reunites Couple After 16 Years

LONDON (AFP) – A British man and his Spanish former sweetheart have finally married 16 years after they drifted apart, reunited by a love letter lost behind a fireplace for over a decade, reports said Monday.

Steve Smith and Carmen Ruiz-Perez, both now 42, fell in love 17 years ago when she was a foreign exchange student in Brixham, and got engaged after only a year together.

But their relationship ended after she moved France to run a shop in Paris.

A few years later, in a bid to rekindle their love, Smith sent a letter to her mother's home in Spain. It was placed on the mantelpiece, but slipped down behind the fireplace and was lost for over a decade.

The missing missive was only found when builders removed the fireplace during renovation work.

"When I got the letter I didn't phone Steve right away because I was so nervous," Ruiz-Perez told the Herald Express local newspaper.

"I nearly didn't phone him at all. I kept picking up the phone then putting it down again.

"But I knew I had to make the call."

When they were reunited, it was as if time had stood still, said Smith, a factory supervisor.

"When we met again it was like a film. We ran across the airport into each other's arms. We met up and fell in love all over again. Within 30 seconds of setting eyes on each other we were kissing.

"I'm just glad the letter did eventually end up where it was supposed to be," he said, after the couple married last Friday.

101 uses for a woman - Times Online

I read this article on the online version of the UK newspaper, The Times. The list of things that women do that actually end up to really good use... ;-)

101 uses for a woman - Times Online

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A Parent's Most Cherished Moment

At 12.37pm today, my wife safely delivered a healthy, most adorable baby boy to our roost. I will now have a friend to watch football with.. :)

Welcome to our family, Ameer Ihsan... We love you so dearly.

Alhamdulillah...