Searching...

Not been up to my best lately. Motivation has been hard to come by. I seem to find it a challenge to look forward to the next day with any sense of excitement or anticipation. It seems like I am just going with the flow, wherever that might take me. I feel as though I do not have much care in the world about what might transpire or happen. It is almost like I am waiting in anticipation for some magic / miracle to happen and shake me up to life again. It has been some wait, and I only have the sense of someone drifting aimlessly in a big and lonely ocean (pretty much like that guy in that movie Life of Pi). 

Maybe at times what I need is a time to myself? A carefree feeling when you do not have to worry about anything, like someone waiting on you, or the feeling of having to keep pace with everyone else. Or the feeling of having to meet the expectation of the people around you. Perhaps it will be a good thing to just sit or lie down in a hammock under the shade of a coconut tree at the beach, and just stare into the vastness of the sea, letting the time pass by you as if nothing else matters but that moment itself. To just let myself sink in the moment of idleness.

Dear selfie,

Where are you? Please come home...

These are difficult times. I have to admit I have never felt this way before for a long time. I have been struggling to find ways to cheer myself up. All to no avail. There is this struggle within me to convince myself that I am worthy, or that everything will turn out ok. It scares me at times that I worry about almost everything almost everyday these days, that it almost feels like I am lost walking in a very dark and foggy forest. There is that real fear within me that I may not be able to find the light in the sky anytime soon.

It is funny how even the smallest of changes can accumulate and end up becoming something so big and potentially life-changing. It feels as though this feeling I am having now has started quite a while back, although I suspect back then it was a feeling which I could manage and hide. It has come to a point whereby it bothers me to no end, and it feels as though it is being fed to be be fat enough to whisper negative thoughts into my head incessantly. Thoughts like, "Am I not worthy? Why did I let that happen? Why did I just leave that guy off the hook so easily? I could have done more to make things better..."... these are amongst the thoughts that keep playing in my head at the moment, consciously and subconsciously, and they are could be so deafening that I could sometimes barely hear anything else.

Oh Allah... I have no one else to run to but you. Give me the strength oh Allah. The saddest part in this whole sad episode I am going through now is that, because of what it does to my peace of mind, I can't seem to bring myself to be closer to you. I feel as helpless as a chicken in a slaughterhouse, just waiting for his next turn to be slaughtered. I need the strength... and there is no one in this world but you o Allah who could wake me up from this lowest moment I am going through but You.

I need help... I need to wake up...