If

I love this poem by Rudyard Kipling. It is a good poem to lift the spirits when you're down in the dumps and self doubts begin to creep in. Something classy to recite when you want to reassure someone who needs upliftings words. A good reminder for one not to lose his/her head in the hardest adversity, or even when in the grandest of triumphs. It is a poem that tells the differences between a boy and a man.

Enjoy.

If...
by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

I'm Too Sexy...

Did one of the many million tests they have in blogthings when my brain shut down and I kept failing to jump start it at work today. And what have I found out about myself?

You Are Super Spicy

You're a little bit crazy, a little bit naughty, and a whole lot of sexy. You go beyond hot - you set people's senses on fire!

Are You Hot?

Yeah baby yeah! (say it the way Mike Myers do…)

The Post Holiday Blues

It is my second day at work, and already I’m feeling overwhelmed by work. Of course I was prepared for the barrages of work that was waiting for me after being away from the office for a week, but what I wasn’t prepared for was new tasks that my new boss have only thought off during the one week she was away from the office. And suddenly I have like 5 deadlines to meet in a space of a month, and I have to say we’re talking about big deadlines here. And with my brains and basically whole system been turned off for a good week during the festive season, I almost suffered from systems jam when faced with all this yesterday. I genuinely thought I was going to get a heart attack yesterday and went to bed early just in case. Ok la… I exaggerated a bit about the heart attack but lesser mortals than me might not have been so lucky.

It took me a week to rediscover my zest again over the holidays, and it just took one day to spoil all that. Sometimes I think my life evolves around work too much that it’s killing the very essence of the person I am. I hate to complain, because I know complaining takes you nowhere here. I woke up this morning pondering how much longer can I stand all this. The working environment, the colleague-from-hell who doesn’t seem to get any smarter by the day, a boss who has no clue what he’s supposed to do, and a new department head who seem to trust the dumb colleague more than anyone else, at the expense of some people (myself included) who are already frustrated with her legendary incompetence to begin with. At times, I can’t help but feel I’m stuck in a lost cause.

*Sigh* Ntah le..

My Raya This Year

The beginning of Raya Aidilfitri in fact begins on the night before 1st of Syawal, when muslims all over the world will recite the takbir, which marks the end of the fasting month of Ramadhan and the beginning of Aidilfitri. The takbir signifies victory for the muslims, for having gone through a month of restraint and supposedly rehabilitation in the month of Ramadhan. For the Muslim who managed to achieve this objective in Ramadhan, there is a reward of purity to the soul and that he/she would come to the 1st of Syawal with a soul as pure as a newborn, Insya-Allah. The only sins that are left to be cleansed are the sins with other human beings, which is why you will see Muslims (in Malaysia at least) seeking forgiveness from one another on the 1st of Syawal.

I spent the 1st day of Raya in KL with my family. This has become a more regular feature in our family's raya plans this last couple of years. In the past, we used to drive back to my parents' hometown (my parents were childhood sweethearts, and they lived about half an hour's drive from each other) in Pontian a few days before Hari Raya. The last few days of fasting in kampung and the fun of playing with firecrackers used to be the order of the day for us kids back then. Those really were the days. Now that all my cousins have grown up, and having children themselves, spaces in my late grandma's house is at a premium. At any one time, there could easily be more than 50 of us if everyone showed up at the same time. So these days, when I do get the chance to go back to Johor for Raya we'd have no choice but to put up in a hotel. Yeah... I know it's sad but hey that's the price of overpopulation.




"Smile, smile at the camera!". Insyirah and my father. Seronoknyaa...

Performed my Aidilfitri prayers at the Wilayah Mosque in Jalan Duta. There were loads of people, foreigners were quite many amongst them. After that, our beraya adventure began. And that meant a lot of food and outflow of cash in the form of duit raya. Hehe... after fasting for a month, I have to say it took a little getting used to to eat again during the day, let alone to indulge oneself into a food galore as most of us would on this special occassion. I just managed to go beraya to 2 houses on the 1st day, and even that was too much for me. Some people could manage to go from one house after another all day and end up going to a dozen open houses and still come home hungry for more food.

Just looking back to the Aidilfitris I've experienced in the past, I can't help but feel that this special day has different meanings to each and one of us, at different stages in our lives. I'm not talking about it from the spiritual aspect though, as when it comes to that I think most of us Muslims already know what it means and how significant it is. What I mean is the social aspect of it. For instance, a kid's perception of Aidilfitri is definitely different from that of an adult. Just reminiscing my own experiences, Hari Raya meant getting new baju melayu, songkok, shoes, and the whole package of new stuffs to wear. It meant a 7 hour ride in the car on our balik kampung journey. It meant meeting all my cousins whom I don't get to meet very often because our trips to kampung at any other times in the year never coincided with each other. It was about playing firecrackers, even getting ourselves into a 'mini rockets war' with the children whose house was across the kampung street (thank god no one's house got burnt down or anything like that back then). And of course it meant going on raya rounds to houses in the kampung and getting duit raya. The rate at the time was in the region of 10 sen to a max of 50 sen. Not that the amount mattered much at the time, it was just the fun of walking around the kampung with your relatives in your new outfit that made it fun.




"I want this, and this, and this, and that!!". Insyirah dissecting Raya hampers with my mother in law.

Things are slightly different for the teenagers. Nothing changes in the clothing department, and we still expect to get new clothes when it comes to Hari Raya. But we were fashion conscious at this age. We wanted our baju raya to be extra special and different from the rest. My mum told me her teenage years was her most memorable moment when it came to Aidilfitri. And the moment most special for her was when my father came over to the house for Raya... it was an event she would wait for all year. Hehe... how sweet.

Raya this year is however extra special for me as my daughter Insyirah who is now 14 months old is old enough to understand what the fuss this day is all about. Well, at least that's what the people around her are doing to her anyway, fussing over what she would wear and stuffs for Hari Raya. Her behaviour has been very commendable as well, being well-behaved when we go for raya visits. She was only 3 months old the last Hari Raya and back then she was practically crying and screaming whenever we went for visits, so the number of houses we went last year was very few. This year, the crying and screaming were replaced with baby talk and chit chat and I noticed she has been very indulgent in conversations. She's turned out to be a very cheeky and friendly toddler with a very hearty and infectious laugh. Love you girl...




"Drive safely ok?"

My little family and I drove to Ipoh in the evening of the 1st of Raya, and we'll be driving back to KL today. To those of you who will be travelling today, have a safe journey. Drive carefully and not recklessly. Ingatlah orang yang tersayang. Do not make your future Aidilfitris a tragic memory as a result of an instant moment of madness and recklessness on the road. Let's make sure it brings only memorable nostalgias that we will like to recount over and over again.

A New Face

So there.

I've finally decided to give this blog a makeover. Well, with the Aidilfitri fever very much lingering in the air, and people celebrating Raya still fresh with the sweat and joy of decorating their houses, I felt it befitting that I gave my blog a new look as well. Perhaps it has been a tad overdue too. My blog had had the old look for too long that to be honest, I was beginning to feel a bit sick of the layout myself. I guess it is normal to feel that way with progression of time. Now I understand why my mom keeps changing the arrangement of the furnitures at home.

It didn't take me long to choose this new layout. I'd had something soothing and easy on the eye template in mind, and the color green was pretty much in the criteria. My wife commented however that the flower in the background at the top of the blog might give a bit of a feminine feel to the blog, but I didn't care. First of all, I like flowers anyway and having flowers as part of my deco. And secondly, traffic into this blog is comparable to the birth rate in Singapore that I don't think I should worry too much about comments.

Who knows with a new template, I will feel revived to make this blog alive again with updates. After having this blog for 3 years, I realise I've not really been able to live up to it. If I may be honest, it has been as much a source of an inspiration as it is embarassment to me. Inspiration as an outlet for me to pour whatever little literary talent I may (or may not) have. An embarassment for the lack of updates and substance that I have on it. Still, I feel compelled to allow this blog to exist rather than shutting it down. Surprisingly, I've made over a 100 postings here since it's inception. That fact alone is a worthy justification for it's existence.

Here's to a new face, and a refreshing future.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf Zahir Batin.

Ramadhan Is Here Once Again

Ramadhan Is Here Once Again

Today marks the first day of the holy month of Ramadhan, which to most people, well at least to Malaysians, is more commonly called as the fasting month. "Bulan puasa" as most Malaysians would fondly call it. I'm not sure if it's unique only in Malaysia, the month of Ramadhan would also see the mushrooming of evening markets, or Ramadhan markets as we call it, where you can find varieties of food and delicacies for the breaking of fast. I'm telling you, being at the Ramadhan market with a hungry tummy can be quite hazardous to your health, physically and financially. Which is why I think it is important for Muslims to remember that Ramadhan is not just about the fasting, but it is also about controlling your wants and desires. It's a time for curing and enriching of the soul. It's a time to renew the vow that we've made on new year's eve to become a better person.

Anyhow, I'll leave the preaching to someone else more qualified to do that. I just felt like since I'm talking about the holy month, it is necessary for me to talk about the gist and its significance in summary. The words above apply to me more than anyone else, anyway...

Every Ramadhan, I can't help getting nostalgic and reminisce about the Ramadhans of the past. Here are 2 of the Ramadhans that plays in my memory the most:

1985

I was 8. My family and I spent a good 3 weeks of the fasting month that year in Pittsburgh, USA as my father was attending a 3 months course there. I only managed to fast for a day while I was there. It was tough, as it was the summer season at the time. Breaking fast was close to 9pm, and my brother who was 5 was a lil devil in disguise and kept tempting me with food and snacks that he was having, since he was deemed too young to fast. I managed to convince my parents that perhaps I was too, and didn't fast the next day. Then I became a lil devil myself and tempted my older sister's perseverance in turn. She managed 3 more days than I did.

1995

I was 18, and I was studying my A-Levels in an English public school in Oxford, UK. It was my first Ramadhan without the company of my family. And even more significant, it was my first experience of Ramadhan where Muslims were a minority. There were only 4 of us Muslims in that school. The first few days were a bit challenging, as I wasn't able to get proper food for sahur. Until my matron noticed this and informed the school kitchen to do something about it, after which I was having lamb chops almost every morning.

Ramadhan came about around winter time in those days, so we had it very easy. Breaking of fast came about around 4pm, so effectively we were fasting about 3 hours less, and in a much cooler climate. I remember when Ramadhan coincided with our term break, I would sometimes go back to sleep after Fajr prayers and wake up around 2 for Zuhur, and by the time I was fully awake around 4, it was time for breaking of fast. Those were the days...

Here's to a blessed Ramadhan to everyone.

I'm Back

I'm Back

"I can see clearly now the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way,
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day.
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright) sunshiny day."

I’m suddenly feeling a sense of contentment and peace. It is quite a change from what I had been experiencing over the last 2 months. I had been so overwhelmed by the stresses at work, a rather worrying financial situation, and not to mention the strain of studying for my remaining ACCA papers. All these factors combining into one big combo, I was beginning to wonder when would I ever reach the end of the tunnel. Perhaps now I finally have...

As described above, many things have happened in my life since my last posting. Things had picked up speed almost considerably I may say, more than what I was prepared for. If anything, the experiences in the last couple of months have taught me a number of things. Among others, I have to get myself in order to be well prepared for whatever challenges life throws at you. In my case, I guess I wasn’t. Upon reflection, I guess I’m still grappling with the reality and responsibilty of a husband and father, and subconsciously my mind is somehow still frozen to my bachelor days. I need to be more organised, more calm, and yeah, more responsible. These are the things I need to improve should I want to progress far in my life.

The other thing I’ve realised and learnt was that spiritually I had been heading towards the worse. Perhaps I had sensed that a long time even before recently, but I guess it only hit home on me now. I had been late in performing my prayers, I had not been reciting the Quran as frequently as I should, and I had not been trying to enrich my soul with knowledge and awareness of Islam. That perhaps led to my sense of aimlessness and hopelessness that I had been experiencing. I have to thank my wife for being the broken radio (in a good sense that is) who kept reminding me to perform my duties as a good Muslim and as someone who could set a good example to her and my little child. Thanx dear... I knew you would hold me up when my chips are down.

Now with the horizon seemingly clear and my natural zest returning, my spirit feels refreshed and everything feels possible. I feel like I can do almost anything. My morale is high, and what’s more I am feeling like a new car that’s come out of the assembly line, and now going through its tune up phase. In other words, I have this sense that things will only get better, Insya-Allah. After some moments of struggle in the arena, the toreador has finally managed to tame the bull.

Torro!! Torro!! ;-)

My Birthday

My Birthday

No.. no… it is not going to be around anytime soon. I’ve been struggling to keep myelf awake at the office, after 3 very long weeks at work and revising for exams (more on these later… when I get the time to write about em that is! Good luck to that!). Browsed through the net and found rhis website of quizzes you can do when you have nothing better to do like yours truly, or you’re just desperate to paste something on your blog after being inactive for ages.. again, like yours truly. Its about the meaning of your birthdays. The results kinda made me go ‘hmmmmm…’.. I’m not one to say if they are true. But I can sure relate to some of the characteristics mentioned.

For instance...

Weakness: Overreliance on others for happiness.

I was a wreck when I was studying in the UK for 5 years, but little did I know why I was feeling as such. Only after I came back to Malaysia did I realise I missed my family so much that their absence kinda made part of me dead. Yeah I know it sounds pathetic... but that’s the way I am. I’m lousy at being left alone, and I always find myself in need of those who understand me by my side... cry baby...

Hey it works… I’m not so sleepy anymore... ;-)

Your Birthdate: August 24

You understand people well and are a natural born therapist. A peacemaker, people always seem to get along when you are around. You tend to be a father or mother figure to friends, even to those older than you. You enjoy your role, and you find that you are close to many people. Your strength: Your devotion Your weakness: Reliance on others for happiness Your power color: Lilac Your power symbol: Heart Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Rejoicing The Little Triumphs

Rejoicing The Little Triumphs

I arrived at the office today with a slight feeling of triumphalism. In fact, I’ve been feeling this way for some time now that it makes me wonder. In the case of this morning, the reason why I’m suddenly feeling so good about myself is because of the simple reason that I managed to catch the ‘express’ elevator on my own to my office floor. You see, where I work, the available elevators on the ground floor would wait until the next elevator comes to the same floor before it closes and brings us up to out respective office floors. This is to ensure that there will be no pile-up of people waiting around the elevators as a result of inconsistent availability of elevators at any one time.

But there is an override to this system. The next immediate elevator that comes after the first one that becomes available will not be subject to this system, and it will not wait and close immediately once the doors are cleared. This also applies when the elevator is not summoned (when the elevator buttoned is pressed to call for a lift). I’ve been spending enough time in front of the elevators in the ground floor of my office to have noticed this pattern. So when I wait for the elevators to my floor, I’ve made a point to check which ones would be coming to the ground floor. And I'll make sure that I'll take the second one or third one that would be arriving. It helps that there are indicators above each lifts to indicate its location. Hehe.. I know it sounds petty, but this knowledge of mine gives me a big sense of uplifting (pun intended.. hehe). It makes me feel good about myself. But hey... you have to look at the small triumphs in life to lighten up your day. Small portions of something good can make a real difference.

Here’s to finding the small uplifting differences in our lives!

Work Away From Work

Work Away From Work

By the standards of the last couple of weeks, this weekend has thus far been the most relaxed and peaceful one for me. I think I've said this far too many times, and at the risk of being accused of oversaying it yet again, work in my office has been close to slavery proportions. March to June are really busy times, and coupled with the factors of a demanding boss and a difficult colleague, it is considered a success that I somehow managed to breathe alive still. Weekend in the office has become almost a regular feature for my wife and myself, and to be honest I am beginning to feel sick going to work these days. Wifey and myself could do with a long relaxing break after all this madness is over. I wish it would come soon enough.

An event worth highlighting this last one month is my wife's purchase of a new laptop. She bought it at the PC fair that took place in KL a couple of weeks ago. The idea is for her to be able to get more work done from home instead of having to stay until late in the office, or having to go to the office during weekends. I have to admit that a laptop is a very useful tool. For one, my ideas to write come flowing more easily on the keyboard of a laptop than on a PC, thus supposedly would allow me to write more on this blog than ever... hehe... we'll see. And on a more practical note, it helps to do some work from home as well. So I do not feel as obliged to be in the office over the weekends anymore.

On the domestic front, my little girl Insyirah will be 9 months tomorrow. My, how time flies! Her development has been a rather rapid one this last couple of days. It is a wonder that her sweet little voice can be such a great remedy to a hard day's work of stress. The other day she called out for me when she saw me walked up the stairs from work, 'abahhh'.. and the whole day's stress was gone in a second. She has just learned to bring herself up into a sitting position, and I reckon she will start crawling and walking in no time. Time realy does fly when you have a kid growing up...


I have this darling picture of her staring at me on my desk at work...


... while this picture of hers graces the wallpaper of my PDA.

Ok.. it's time for more serious use for this laptop. Going to get some work done now. Go Izwan Go!

The 6 O'clock Horror

The 6 O'clock Horror

I was getting myself ready to go home yesterday. It was close to 6pm. I had stayed back in the office till very late at night for the last couple of days, not really due to work, but waiting on my wife whose job is almost tantamount to slavery these days, and I was feeling very sleepy and tired. My reasons were failing me, and I wasn't even able to converse well. Words stumble out of my mouth rather than flowing fluently. And my already slanting eyes were squinting even more. Called the wife, and told her how I felt. We would go home first, and let me have a few minutes of sleep, then we'll come back to the office for her to continue work.

'Another 10 minutes dear? I'm just wrapping up here, and then we can go home', wifey said. Yeay... for the first time in a month, I might just be able to see the evening sun again.

And then 5 minutes later, the office phone rang. It was the boss.

'Izwan, can I see you in 5 minutes to discuss the board paper? There are certain things that I'd like to highlight from the draft you sent me this afternoon'.

Arggghhh....

And that's the 6 o'clock horror for you.

Just The 3 Of Us

Just The 3 Of Us

It's been 3 days since my whole family bar my wife and myself left for Jakarta for a vacation. My wife and myself couldn't join them as February and March are usually a torturous time for us who work in the accounting line. So for those aspiring accountants out there, you would do well to take note of this. The company's year end accounts closing is just around the corner and the situation here is like an ant community hustling and bustling to prepare for the upcoming winter. Yeap.. that's year end closing for you.

With my parents being away from home this last couple of days, my darling Insyirah has been left at home with the maids. And unfortunately, she is very aware of the absence of her Nanny (my mother) and grandfather. I think she misses them already. Probably realised after a couple of days that some important people in her life was missing. Yesterday, as my wife and I were getting ready to go to work, she refused to let go of her mum. It's the first time that I've noticed her to behave in such a way. It was a good thing that my in-laws were kind enough to extend their weekend visit for another day. At least we were assured that she would be in the best of hands. She wasn't in the best of moods yesterday though. But I've been told that just like her daddy, she suffers from the occasional Monday blues too.

There has been no news from any of my family members since their last message on Saturday, informing us of their safe arrival. Probably lost in the whole excitement of vacationing and shopping. Terasa gak hati aku yang terover sensitif ni kekadang... tsskk.. oh well, when there's so much to see and do, it is easy to get lost in it all. At least my wife and I have the whole house to ourselves. Hmmm... and how very rarely do we get that chance.

Maybe I should take them out to dinner tonight. Been a while since I last took my wife out on a date. Of course, Insyirah will tag along. :-)

The Birthday Girls!

The Birthday Girls!

My sister and her daughter Hannah celebrates their birthdays on the 4th and 6th March respectively. Time flew by like no one’s business, and before you knew it, Hannah is already a year old. A year old… unbelievable. It felt like only yesterday when the whole family was dining out in celebration of my sister’s birthday, which was exactly a year ago. We had the dinner before the day Hannah was born. My sister was in a super-advanced stage of her pregnancy by that time, and Hannah was due at any moment. I guess she wanted to wait for her mummy to celebrate her birthday before announcing her own big arrival.


Happy Birthday Girls!

Hannah has been a rather handful to handle these days, and she is not without her own bag of mischief. My mother likes to compare Hannah to my sister when she was her age; very active and mischievous. Recently, she’s learnt to play peek-a-boo. I have to say, she does it very well. I happen to be lucky to be able to capture my game of peek-a-boo with her on my video cam recently. The adorable thing is that she knows that she has to be in a hiding position first before jumping out to surprise her subject.


Getting into position...


Pausing for best effect... wait for it... andd..


Chakkk!! You can see how seriously she takes this whole peek-a-boo business.. hehe..

And while we're still on the subject of birthdays, Insyirah will be 7 months old tomorrow! Happy 7 month old sayang!


7 months tomorrow!

These images are the reason why parents like myself keep wanting to leave the office at 5pm sharp. Oh well, you parents out there will understand...

Here's to a good week ahead.

*Sigh*

*Sigh*

The day didn’t start very well for me today. I woke up today feeling lousier than when I went to bed last night, which says a lot because I didn’t feel that great either last night. I had been in Singapore for a stock take exercise from Monday, and having arrived in KL yesterday afternoon, I came straight to the office for quite a bit of unfinished business. After a day of climbing up oil tanks and walking around the oil terminal, I felt like I could do with an extra day off work. Yeah I know… what a sissy.

Work is murder of late, or at least it seems until I’m sharp enough to change the situation. I always blame myself for the circumstances that I’m in. That’s probably due to my own nature that I somehow feel I have the power to change most of the circumstances that I get myself into. As a result in the event that I don’t, I get depressed too easily. And when I feel that people are upset with me for my lack of sensitivity or sharpness to read the situation, the feeling is even worse.

My feelings is sometimes a complicated web of emotions and reasons. Sometimes I get too tired to reason things out, and I just resign to forget about the whole matter. Don’t get me wrong. I just forget about the confrontational part. I just need the gist of the argument. Just tell me what I need to know, slam-wham-bam, and I’ll get it done. I hate confrontations, and I don’t like to get into arguments. Sometimes we get ourselves dragged into long arguments and confrontations that most of the times we find ourselves forgetting what all the fuss is about in the first place. And chances are by that time, you might have said the things you’ll be sorry for later. So to make sure that I don’t end up doing much damage, I try to minimise the argument time to a certain limit. 5, 10 minutes maybe. Don’t prolong it... but I’m guilty of overdrive too sometimes. And I hate it when I do that.

I tend to shut things I don’t like out, and I choose to live with the rosy parts of life. Maybe it’s my way of looking at things from the bright side of life. Some people probably do not get that about me, and I usually get branded insensitive as a result. Maybe there’s some truth in that anyway. Many rights can’t make a wrong, right? I don’t know. And in typical me fashion, most of the time I don’t care...

I am just sorry for the way I am. I’ll try to get things right.

A Frustration Vented

A Frustration Vented

Warning: Long, irrational bitching session ahead!

Much has been written about working with difficult people in an organisation. And perhaps just as much has been written about working with incompetent and stupid people. But if anyone out there knows a guide or anyone who can help me to work with a person who is stupid, incompetent, difficult, and too proud to work with despite her stupidity, please oh please tell me about it, because I feel like I’m really getting close to my wits end having to do so for close to a year now.

My colleague from hell is not showing any signs that she’ll be going back there anytime soon, and continuously causes mayhem in the workplace. Even after being here for more than a year, I wonder if she even knows what she’s supposed to do in the bigger scheme of things. In meetings, she will babble about things which never happens, and will claim to have done things that she never did. And in the process, she has continued to mislead the boss that the ship is in order and everything is fine and dandy. If my work wasn’t so closely related to hers, it would have been easier to close one eye and let her burn herself once the fire she’s causing burns out of control. But it’s just unfortunate that my work very much depends on the integrity of her work. I churn out the company’s performance reporting based on the numbers that she provides. And regularly over the last few months, I’ve been handed out rubbish for my reporting, which has caused further outrage by the boss and those departments whom performance I’m reporting for. And being the point of production of the official numbers, I feel like an anal passage suffering from a serious constipation, having to deal with all the rubbishes thrown at me within the limited time I have to produce the reports, while at the same time, getting the crap from the boss and line departments for being late and producing unreliable numbers.

My motivation has fluctuated violently. I feel like I need to cover for her for the good of the company while at the same time, just let her carry on the show, and allow her to expose her incompetence and stupidity for everyone to see once the skeletons burst out of the overloaded closet. Chances are if I chose the latter, I might get burnt too. ‘Why didn’t you alert her Izwan? You should have known better, having been around longer!’. The truth is I HAVE, but was anyone listening??!! And chances are when shit does happen, I’m gonna get some of the crap too. That’s justice for you.

How can people be so stupid and stuborn at the same time? How? I feel like quitting this company this instant just to stop having to work with her. She’s in her mid-30s and a spinster too, and at the rate she’s going, I do not see your status improving anytime soon gal. Only a doormat could withstand a stubborn no-brainer like you.

I feel better now… the wonder verbal dissentries could do to you.

A Tribute To Women

A Tribute To Women

Have you ever experienced moments when suddenly a familiar song pops in your head and just keeps playing over and over again that you finally find yourself humming the tune? It sort of generates from the mood you're feeling at the time. For instance, when I woke up on the day of my job assessment interview, the orchestra in my head started playing Wagner's Flight of The Valkyries.

I have to admit I've been feeling a bit sentimental of late. Just the other day, I saw a woman in an advanced stage of pregnancy walked out of the turnstile at the office lobby. My attention was caught by her pale features, and lethargy of being pregnant. But I couldn't help but notice the loving eyes of a mother to be in her eyes. And suddenly, I was reminded of my own wife, and the memories of the moments she went through when she was pregnant of our daughter. The morning sickness, the backaches, and the sleepless nights, just to name a few. And the strength and courage that she gathered when giving birth to her. The live-or-die experience. And suddenly, I felt warm tears welling in my eyes. It's a sacrifice that every mother puts herself through to bring a life into this world.

Here's to 3 of the most significant women in my life.

I love you mom.

I love you my dear wife.

I love you sis.

This song is for all the women out there.

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(Tip to listen to the song: Click pause at the page default music widget at the right bottom of the side bar before clicking on play on the above widget to avoid the 2 music overlapping. TQ!)

Woman - John Lennon

Woman I can hardly express
My mixed emotions at my thoughtlessness
After all I'm forever in your debt
And woman I will try to express
My inner feelings and thankfulness
For showing me the meaning of success

Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside of the man
Please remember my life is in your hands
And woman hold me close to your heart
However distant don't keep us apart
After all it is written in the stars

Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Ooh, well, well
Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo
Well

Woman please let me explain
I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain
So let me tell you again and again and again

I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah, yeah
Now and forever
I love you, yeah, yeah

The Weekend That Was

The Weekend That Was

The weekend flew by faster than you could say Dodgeball, and before you knew it, it’s Monday again. Life as a parent does help to shorten the weekend somehow, what with the weekend now mostly spent entertaining the little one. Spent Saturday in the office though, trying to finalise a report my boss dissected and butchered so badly that the reconstruction of it took 3 days and a lot of my depleting brain resources to do. But as usual, it’s the boss’s funny way of making me learn stuffs a quality executive should have, which is what he is. I’m not complaining really. I guess I should realise I have light years ahead of me before I could become as good as him.

Sunday was better spent however, and I really mean spent. My wife and I took Insyirah for shopping at One Utama. Insyirah has finally outgrown the current car seat that she’s using, which is really Hannah’s which she in turn had outgrown earlier. And additionally, we were also looking for an alternative pushchair for Insyirah, as her current one is a rather too big for us to bring along on long distance travels. It seems that the Matrix’s boot space is not as big as I’d like it to be, and the current pushchair that we have is a Mercedes equivalent of its kind; big, filled with gadgetaries, and probably the most comfortable pushchair a baby could be placed in. But the only problem is that it takes the whole of my car boot space away.

So we set out on our shopping expedition early in the morning. Well, around 10ish to be exact, to avoid the traffic congestion madness that usually occurs when you’re trying to park at One Utama. Having a baby in tow, such crawl in traffic is best avoided, and with Insyirah having no tolerance being stuck in traffic, it’s not really an option. The little girl has a tendency to scream impatiently when the car stops on the road, even when I’m stopping for the red lights. My father-in-law once joked that perhaps she should marry a royalty one day and drive around with a police escorted entourage, and drive through traffic without having to stop. Hmmm... now that’s a thought.

We went to a couple of stores that sold baby products, and in the end decided given our product spec and budget, Jusco still provided best value for money. It’s just like shopping for a car really. Some people might give more weight to posh or snob value, and would settle for nothing less than a Beemer or Merc. Baby products wise, the equivalent would be Maclaren or Preggo. Then there are those who are Honda or Toyota loyalists. Here the comparable would be Chicco, or maybe Graco. In my case, as always, I go for maximum value for the minimum expenses.. hehe... so if you’re anything like me, Jusco usually provides value for money. Sweet Cherry is to baby products what Naza / Inokom is to the Malaysian car market. The products are reliable and good, but some are still tempted to replace the Inokom badge on the car with its foreign made cousin’s name Hyundai. You get the drift...

The choice of the pushchair was rather straightforward. Since this was just going to be a complementary pushchair to the current one we have, I opted for the cheapest yet comfortable one there was. The car seat I wasn’t too sure of though. The choices available were aplenty. But in the end one caught my eye. The salesgirl told me if I waited for another month, the car seat could go for a 20% discount. Hmmm… discount. My calculative mind started calculating the saving I could make. RM60… not bad. That’s a week worth of lunching. Hehe... but the moment we placed Insyirah in the seat for her to try it out, I just melted seeing how much she enjoyed sitting in it. She was waving and kicking her legs about, smiling in delight at all of us. Having seen that smile of hers, how could I deny her the pleasure? So in one of my rarest moments, the accountant in me gave in to a little child’s show of innocent delight, and we got the car seat anyway. So you see what a child’s gestures could do to your better sense of judgement. Hehe... well, suffice to say it was all worth it.

Praying for a good week ahead.

The Blues

The Blues

I am still feeling the blues after the long one week holiday. Work started yesterday, and I felt like a zombie being dragged by a sports car. My boss had a big presentation to do yesterday, so I was pushed to do a lot of findings yesterday. What made it worse was that the presentation was pushed early from late afternoon to morning, so boss was getting a bit panicky, and as a result yours truly got panicky also. Lucky it went well, but as a result the zombie was left in bits and pieces by the experience.

So today is another day. The blues is not so bad, but still there nevertheless. I am still searching for the inspiration that made me enjoy my work so much in the past. Hmmm.... I wonder where it's gone to now...

The Two Cousins

The Two Cousins

I was at home lazing around today, having travelled from Ipoh yesterday. It's usually like that. I get the 'jet-lag' effect whenever I've travelled for anything longer than an hour. Was playing around with my camcorder today, taking videos of my daughter Insyirah and my niece Hannah. Boy I missed Hannah. Having not seen her for almost a week while away in Ipoh, it was a delight to see her again today. The girl could walk a few steps already! Boy, what a difference a week makes. It's no surprise really, babies do learn new things fast. Insyirah herself has managed to steady herself in a sitting position over the last week.

The sight of the two cousins frolicking around was a joy to watch. Obviously they missed each other over the last week. Insyirah was screaming in delight when she saw Hannah, and it melts my heart to see the two of them babbling in baby talk to each other. I can foresee these two growing up to be really close friends in the future.

Aren't they lovely?

The Cycle of Life

The Cycle of Life

Inevitably, after an incredible lack of updates lasting almost half a year, so many things and events have taken place within that time. Perhaps arguably, I could say that could have been one of the main reasons why I've not managed an update for so long; too many things to tell and talk about, that I had prefered to just bask in it rather than trouble myself typing them on a computer. Or perhaps I need a laptop, with a Streamyx internet connection, where I could just log on to the blogger site in a matter of seconds, where I wouldn't get bored out of my mind having to wait for our super slow home PC to dial-up to the internet, and just lose interest the moment I've got myself logged on. Perhaps... but let's not digress too far here.

So what's happened since July last year? Well, there have been the highs and the lows. Births, deaths, marriages, promotion, and the English Premier League to name a few of that matters to me. But really, the main highlights of last year really centred on these 2 following themes; birth and death.

A few weeks after my last entry, my wife and I were blessed with a healthy, cute baby girl. The arrival of the little one has brought a lot of change to my perspective of life. The whole makeup of my marriage has been given an added spice and joy with her arrival. We've named the little one Nuha Insyirah, which in Arabic means the "calm intelligent one". Her first 2 months were anything but calm however, where she would wake up often in the middle of the night crying, which we suspect was due to colic. Wanting to be the exemplary father and husband, I would often stay up until very late to put the baby to sleep. But sleep deprivation is really not something I could live with, and I was no different from a character from House of The Dead when at work the day after. Needless to say my wife has since taken over the night shift full time, and I've now reduced myself to more minor role of the ocassional diaper change. Well, at least I could claim that I've changed my kid's nappy.

My little girl is now almost 6 months old. Here I have some latest pics of her over the last couple of months.


Insyirah yesterday. In the car on the way to Jitra.


Boy she loves to travel...


With her "Tok Neena". When she bites her lips like that, she resembles a picture of her mother so much when my wife was her age.


The last couple of months also witnessed the passing of some important people in my life. Two uncles of mine passed away in September and October respectively, of which one of them I was particularly close to, and was even my family's spokesperson at my wedding over a year ago. He died from a heart attack. It was so sudden that it took a while for the fact to sink in with me. It made me to reflect that when the Angel of Death comes knocking, there's no postponing him.

And then most significantly, my beloved grandmother passed away recently on the 18th January this year. Remember her? Who offered me this advice of wisdom of hers? I will always be haunted by the last thing she said to me before she went away. It was a couple of days before the day she died, and she was still strong enough to move about on her bed and chatted with me. She was complaining that her back was aching, and she was feeling most uncomfortable lying down on the rubber-air mat that we got her. She had been ill for over a month by that time you see, and we had to get her a special rubber-air mat for her to lie on so that she won't get blisters on her back.

I helped her to move her body to the spot she felt most comfortable. She asked me to push her hair back, and unbuttoned the top button of her blouse, as she felt it was choking her. Even when unwell, she always wanted to wear her nicest dress. She's that kind of person. She takes pride of her appearance.

I stroked her hair, and touched her forehead. When I told her I was going out, she reminded me after a brief pause,

"Come and see me when you get back dear".

I just nodded obligingly, not quite realising the significance of that request, that it was to be her last from me. I did come back to see her that night, but she was already asleep. And she pretty much slept most of the time until her last breath on the 18th. I can be happy with the fact that I was at least by her side when she breathe her last. In fact, my whole family was there at that time, Subhanallah. I was reciting the Yasin by her side, while my wife was whispering the Syahadah to her ear. By grace of Allah, she almost breath her last after I'd finished reading the Yasin once, just before I was about to read it for the second time.

Mak Tok, Pakcik Mat, and Pak Long. May Allah's grace be with you in the hereafter, and Insya-Allah may we meet again in His blessings one day.


My beloved late grandmother, with Insyirah. You'll always be loved, and missed grandma.

The Comeback

The Comeback

It's been a long while since I had anything up here. Suddenly I just lost any desire to do any update. I just can't explain it. It is as mysterious as the disappearance of the Angkor Watt civilisations in the past. Oh yeah, I have had a lot of stories to tell, perhaps more so than I've ever had before. I guess I just came to a point where I felt the whole idea of blogging, or at least the way I do my blogging, had lost its allure, or maybe, I just failed to see the point of blogging anymore.

Reflecting on it, I realised that perhaps I had become too concsious of the things I was blogging about. "Is this interesting enough?", or "would people be able to relate to this?", or "am i putting up things interesting enough as the other blogger?". These questions began to play in my mind a lot whenever I wanted to blog. I had become too contemplative, and as a result, bored myself from the business of blogging.

I told a fellow blogger and a friend about the above problem I had. And she simply said that perhaps I shouldn't write for others to read, but write for the only simple pleasure of writing. But really, how does one get pleasure from doing something if he does not know what or for whom he is doing it for? Where do writers/novelists get their drive from? How does JK Rowling keeps coming up with captivating fantasies in her Harry Potter novels? And Stephen King? Where does he keep coming up with stories that scares people out of their wits all the time?

I'm not saying that I aspire my blog to have effects such as these illustrious writers. The point I'm driving home is that when we dish out something for the public to consume on, it should at least be interesting enough for anyone to give a damn about. Otherwise, it feels like an unimpressive street performer with nothing more than a hat with some measly change from those who pity him enough for his effort.

Perhaps I'm taking this whole idea of blogging too seriously. Perhaps I'm looking at it too much as a commercial idea rather than an avenue for personal rambling. Perhaps I tend to search for a point in everything I do, even down to stuffs like blogging where it is not perceived to be too serious a business. I guess it's down to the dayjob that I do. I'm an accountant you see, and ideas like substance over form, accountability, and true and fair view are too ingrained in my thinking. Maybe...

I have so many things to tell. But at the same time, I feel the interesting ones are those which I can't bring myself to publish on these pages. I would love to write scandalous or juicy stories like the Datin can, or like the Sarong Party girl, where their account of lives living on the edge warrants enough interest for people to give a damn about.

Yeah, I do have stories to share here. But we'll see whether there'll be enough to sustain anyone's interest. Enough to make me write regularly at least.

The Interview

The Interview

My heart beat was beating faster than normal, and beating faster and louder by the minute like the stompings of a pursuing T-Rex in the movie Jurassic Park. Heck, it was beating so hard at times that my heart felt like jumping out.

Dupp.. dapp.. dup.. dapp…

My state of mind was close to being chaotic. All the facts that I had cramped into my head in the previous week or so were a jumbled mess, and I realised that I was feeling even less confident about the ordeal I was about to go through at that moment then when I firsrt started preparing myself for it. Suddenly, I couldn’t even remember even the stuffs which were supposed to be simple, and belatedly realised that in my attempt to learn stuffs which I wasn’t so good at, I had neglected the stuffs that I do everyday, and as a result risk looking like an incompetent buff who’s been on the job for so long and still didn’t know thoroughly what’s required of me.


This wasn't in the job description!!

The above is the ordeal that I went through in anticipation of my job assessment interview on Tuesday morning.

The job interview, as I’ve mentioned before, is a job assessment process to evaluate whether or not I’m fit to do the job I’ve been doing as a senior executive for the last 5 years. I know it sounds funny. I would think I would have been kicked out of this place if I wasn’t able to do the job for even 3 months, let alone 5 years. But hey, it’s the company’s policy, and you either put up with it or leave, Dilbert-like though it may be.

Looking back in retrospect, I think the interview went quite ok. I wouldn’t say it was brilliant though. My answer to most of the interview questions were at best basic, and in some instances, needed further prompting from my interviewers. Have you ever had that feeling that you could probably have given a better answer, or phrased your answer better, just after you’ve answered a question? That happened to me a lot on Tuesday that by the time we got to the end of the session, I felt too immuned with such situation that I just stopped cringeing anymore whenever it happened again. It’s like developing an anti-body to bee stings after you’ve been stung too many times.

In my opinion, I find the questions to be a bit too technical to be relevant, especially in the context of day to day work. You can say it was quite heavy on the theory side. Questions like definitions of some terms in the accounting standards, and getting asked to elaborate on a few number of standards of my choice. On a day to day application at work however, you can count with the fingers in one hand people who could actually remember all the standards and accounting definitions by hard. Most people (me included) know the general basic characteristics of what is required, and if further references need to be made, then would we refer to the standards literatures available.

Oh well…

On the bright side, the sensation after such a nerve-wrecking experience is one of great relief. Situations like preparing yourself for an interview or exams are always nerve-wrecking, and the nerve dangling experience lies both in the anticipation and the event itself. And in some cases, the anticipation proves the worse of the two in terms of what it does to your composure. The result of the interview will be out in a month’s time, and at this moment at least, I’m just glad that I’m done and over with it.

Pray for me that I’ll make it will ya.

Be Nice To Everyone 'Coz You'll Never Know...

Be Nice To Everyone 'Coz You'll Never Know...

I'm away from the office attending a course today and tomorrow. It is nice to be away from the office once in a while, even though for a simple mandatory course that you have to attend as required by the job. Sort of breaks the monotony of the day to day routine. And anything that breaks the monotony usually has the effect of giving you a kick-start into reality once again, reminding you there is more to life than your 9-5 job and the lunches at Asian Flavours or Signatures. And while we're on the subject of lunches, there is always something to look forward to when it comes to food when you're attending training or courses.

The training I'm attending this next 2 days is an internal training provided by the company I work for, and the norm with internal training is that the trainers are usually senior staffs of the company who volunteers (or rather forced to volunteer really. Like they have the choice anyway... ) to become line trainers. To my surprise, I found out today that the person who provides our training is an acquaintance of mine whom I used to know back when I was in the UK. And he's not any older than I am. I gathered from him over lunch just now that he's now a senior manager in one of the subsidiaries of our company. And to think of I'm still in the midst of an assessment process whether or not I qualify to be doing a senior executive job.

So it was a bit weird having to sit back and listen like a good trainee when I used to not think much of him in the past. You see, we used to have our differences and to cut a long story short, I once did something enough to ruffle his feathers by a bit. He's the typical high energy go-getter whom usually gets on people's nerves, and steps on quite a few of people's feet. Professionally however, I have the utmost respect for him. And putting the baket of sour grapes aside, you can't help but admire someone like him who's gone that far in his career in an environment where such occurences is not the norm for someone his age. On that respect bro, I take my hat off to you.

I don't think he keeps a grudge of what happened between us in the past. He's not really asked me the difficult to impossible questions in class. Well, at least not yet...

An Experience To Remember

An Experience To Remember

My wife and I have been attending ante-natal classes at the Damansara Specialist Hospital for the last 3 weeks. I have to say, the contents of the classes have been very useful, especially for first-born expectants like my wife and me. So far, we’ve learnt of what to expect during pregnancy (though this might come as a bit too late for us, considering my wife is now pretty close to the expected date of delivery), the right diet for the mother-to-be (this one too), arrangements that we should make when the baby is due, suitable physical and breathing exercises for the mother-to-be, and massage techniques for the husband to administer on wifey.

Last night’s lesson however, was arguably the most interesting todate.

We were given a show of the signs to look out for when labour is due. Signs like contractions, and the break of the water bag, and so forth. We were also shown a video of the stages of labour, from the moment the wife’s admitted to the hospital, to the moment when the baby is delivered and then subsequently the removal of the placenta. There are in fact 3 stages of labour. It begins with contractions, which will take place every 10-15 minutes, and the cervix will open up to 3cm. At this stage, the opening of the cervix will be at 1cm in every 1 hour. This is also when the water bag will burst.

The 2nd stage of labour is when the cervix will open up to 10cm. Contractions now become more regular at every 4-5 minutes. This is the stage when the baby will be delivered, and the mother would have to push as advised by the doctor. There’s a wide misconception that labour ends with the delivery of the baby when in fact it doesn’t. This stage is arguably the most excruciating one. Mothers-to-be are advised to try and relax at this stage and try to take their minds off the pain by trying to focus an imaginary target where they would focus their pushing. Some doctors even suggest reciting of prayers or poetry, or even focus on their husbands who would be standing by their side.

The 3rd stage takes place after the baby is safely delivered, and it’s when the placenta is removed, and the mid-wife claims “when the father no longer focuses his attention to the mother”. Tsskk…. So daddies to be out there, remember that all is not over yet after the baby’s out. The mother still needs your support emotionally and physically to push the placenta out. I shall take a mental note of that too come the day.

In short, my wife summarises the stages with the following:

1st stage: longer but less painful
2nd stage: shorter, but in terrible pain
3rd stage: shortest

Hehe...

The video show was a very useful visual exercise of what we should expect when the real moment of labour comes. It was also helpful in playing down the fears of some of us, who would be experiencing this miracle moment of child birth only for the first time. I’ve learnt to appreciate what all mothers would have to go through in bringing a life into this world. And that is not to mention the 9 months of sacrifice and discomfort that they would have to go through prior to that ultimate moment. And to think of, all we men had to do in contribution is making a small deposit on one night and just wait for the delivery after 9 months. We men do have the easy way out in the whole subject of procreation.

We were then took for a tour around the hospital to the labour and maternity wards. It felt like a privilege experience to be allowed into the labour ward. The place is closed to the general visitors to the hospital, and is only opened to women in the 3rd stage of labour and her next of kin, usually the husband. We were shown the room where the child birth process will take place.

This is when I made one of the most memorable volunteer of my life.

The mid-wife was showing us the arrangement of the labour ward on the day of labour, and we were having a simulation exercise of where everyone would be in the room on the big day. Understandably of course, I was keen to know where the father would be standing in the middle of all the excitement that day. So instinctively when the mid-wife asked who would like to volunteer, I said “I’ll do it” without even giving it a second thought.

The stunned reaction from the mid-wife to my spontaneous volunteer should have given me a hint of what was to come. I simply thought I was volunteering to stand where the husband would be standing on the day of labour, where I would be lending my hand and support to my wife. Instead I had volunteered to be ‘my wife’, and simulate the whole posture of being in labour. I was asked to lie down on the bed, spread my legs wide, and hold on to the railings in a comfortable position to push, and then simulated how the pushing is done.

I felt like the Ultimate Exhibit in front of the 10-odd couples who were there. I couldn’t quite see where my wife was as she was looking away, quite unable to control her laughter at my ordeal. I’m quite happy to say however I must have made quite a realistic exhibit, as I gave it my all when asked to push. Hehe… The bed was rather comfortable however, and at least I have had the first hand experience to tell my wife I’ve been there before. Hehe...

Wifey was still laughing heartily at the whole incident as we left the hospital last night. She said she might just be reminded of the whole thing again when she’s on the labour bed herself on the day of labour, and might just blurt out laughing again.

Well, hopefully I’d done enough to take some of her mind off the pain on that day with such a memory.

Light At The End Of A Short Tunnel

Light At The End Of A Short Tunnel

It's another Monday morning, and up to this point at least, I'm glad to say that I'm not feeling as much blues as I usually do on this day. The experience of last week when i felt mostly like a zombie throughout the whole week had made me to reflect on my perception of myself, work, and life in general. And among other things, I've realised that perhaps the reason why I felt so lousy and bored at work last week was because I was beginning to feel too big or too good for the work I'm doing now. Bruce Lee once said, empty your cup, and it shall be filled. And with respect to this metaphore, I must have been like an overflowing cup last week. I wasn't feeling the excitement of what I'm doing anymore.


Not today

To be fair to myself, I was feeling a bit burnt out as well. The drill of the accounts month end closing was pushing me to the edge, while at the same time, my colleague-from-hell never failed to drive me up the wall. I've reflected on my perception of her as well, and I felt perhaps I've been a bit harsh with the way I treated her. We had a blow-up two weeks ago, and in my frustration I said some things which I wish I hadn’t. She was very defensive mind you, and wasn’t willing to take any of my criticism without a fight. I think most people like her are like that. Granted, she has also successfully driven other people in the office up the wall too, and even my boss has begun to lash the whip a little bit when dealing with her. Again, I'm not saying that I will just live with her lackadaisical attitude, rather I'm not going to let it get to me as much. Life is too precious and too short to let some egg-headed person to mess with it.

The last couple of weeks have also seen my weight ballooning by quite a bit. I have to admit that when I'm going through a difficult time, I tend to resort to food. Sweet, greasy, and fatty food specifically. Perhaps it is my way of fulfilling myself when I don't feel as fulfilled with some other aspects of my life, serving like some sort of escapade for me. Some other people do it differently. Women are well known to resort to shopping , and I used to know a techy-nerd friend of mine who went on to buy himself a palm-cum-organiser when going through the same phase. Escapades such as these are meant to be temporary only. And in my case at least, it has been 4kgs too long. Yup, I've been the reincarnation of a hippo this last couple of weeks.

So today shall mark as yet another turning point for me. In fact, I believe that our lives are filled with turning points, only that some points are bigger and momentous than others. Momentous ones will be moments like graduating from university, grand achievements or recoveries that would shape your perception on a grand scale. Those happens rather far and few in between. But it is the smaller turning points like the revelation from my recent soul searching episode that usually sustains us on a more frequent basis, and reminds us to have our feet on the ground, when some distractions tend to get to our heads.

I am happy to say that my optimism is back. I feel once again ready to hold any bull by it's horns. Let's hope it's enough to help me shed a couple of kilos as well.

Has Anyone Found A Misplaced Soul?

Has Anyone Found A Misplaced Soul?

In your head, in your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie,
Hey, hey, hey. What's in your head,
In your head,
Zombie, zombie, zombie?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, oh, dou, dou, dou, dou, dou...
- Zombie, Cranberries -

...because I feel like I have misplaced mine. For the last couple of weeks, I can’t help but feeling like a zombie, moving around not quite aimlessly, but without as much purpose and intent as I would like myself to be. I feel like I’ve been living this last couple of weeks with not so much drive and passion as I would normally be. And when I’ve lost the drive, my judgements tend to be poorer, and I tend to make more mistakes. I’m beginning to place less value on many things that I’m doing. I just feel like saying ‘f**k it’ to most things at the moment.

Been trying to analyse the situation. On the career front, work continues to be the serial-murderer it has always been. I have been doing accounts reconciliation work too much that I just feel like vomitting if I have to do it again. I have two more reports due by the 15th of this month. And to get myself to meet that deadlines is like trying to push a sleeping hippo to do it’s annual physical exercise. It feels like a task of gigantic proportion. How am I supposed to come up with reports when I don’t feel like doing them at the moment? I’m beginning to sense the creeping of a panic attack here. Help!

That looks so tempting...

I think I’m bored. Or maybe overworked. There are thousands of things I could think of doing rather than being in the office today. And top of my list would be to just lie down and sleep for as long as I want. To be in a place where no one will find me to ask about some reports or numbers that I’ve prepared for them. Where I won’t have to worry about job assessments. Where no one talks about work and deadlines. At the moment, even staring at a plain empty wall sounds attractive than being here.

I used to just eat more than I usually do whenever I feel this way. But after gaining almost 3 kilos in 2 weeks now, nothing else has improved apart from the weight. Dang… been stuffing on food suppossedly to have the chemicals to make you happy like chocolates and cakes of late. I’ve come to realise that’s probably not the right solution when my trousers suddenly became tighter than the belt I’m wearing.

Ok la.. let’s see if a cup of San Francisco’s Coffee mocha would do the trick. If that still doesn’t do it for me, maybe a long vacation is the answer. If only I have that many leaves left to take… boo hoo!

It's Raining Babies

It’s Raining Babies

It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Amen!
It's Raining Men! Hallelujah!
It's Raining Men! Amen! OW!

- It's Raining Men, Geri Halliwell -

This weekend had been a rather hectic one, and the theme of the weekend certainly evolved around the subject of babies. Both my wife and I began the weekend by making our routine monthly check-up to the gynae on Saturday morning. The pregnancy has now come to its 32nd week, and after this last visit, the routine check-up will be more frequent at once every two weeks.

I think it was the first time that I ever made an appointment with the gynae on a Saturday and the queue to see her was breathlessly long. Our appointment was scheduled at 9.30am, and when I arrived at the allotted time, there must have been like half a dozen couples already there in the waiting room. Dang… and the doctor sort of practices first comes first serve despite the so called appointment that we made. By the time it came to our turn to see her, we had waited for almost 2 hours. That famous Malay phrase ‘penantian itu satu penyiksaan’ could not have felt more true.

I was met with 2 surprises on my visit to the gynae this time. I found out that a friend-colleague of mine was also seeing the same doctor. It was her second routine check-up, and her fetus is now 13 weeks old. It seems that every one of my friends at my age or near my age is having babies these days. I’ve been getting news about this friend or that friend, either informing me of the good news of their conception, or news about the safe delivery of their new born. And on that note, I just received the belated news that my good friend and blog guru Sarini safely gave birth to a baby girl on the 16th June 2005. Congratulations Sarini! May this be the first of many for the both of you. :-)

Oh yeah, and the other surprise was seeing the comedian Azli of the Senario gang in the same place that day. Apparently his wife was due for labour on that day itself. He must have brought his whole clan with him as the place was crowded with his relatives and friends.

Anyway, had another glimpse of our baby when the doctor performed the scan on wifey. I always look forward to this moment when we go for her routine check-up. It gives me the chance to catch a glimpse of our baby, and what the little wonder is doing in mummy’s tummy. I remember seeing the baby on the scan machine for the first time on our first visit to the gynae, and I got excited more than I thought I would. I guess I was still grappling with the reality of my wife being pregnant then, after just being married for just over 2 months (and still grappling with the reality of being a husband), and the experience felt rather surreal. I wasn’t quite sure how to react to the whole pregnancy idea until that day when I saw the fetus, only about 16 weeks old, flailing her arms around in my wife’s tummy. From that day onwards, I got connected to the little one. It was like she was saying hello to me. And she certainly had me at hello...

The baby weighed at 1.864kg, and that’s slightly under the ideal weight of 2kg as the doctor advised us at this stage of the pregnancy. Hmm... I guess I must have not been stuffing wifey enough.. hehe. No worries, said the doctor. I still have enough time to do that. Wife has gained about 13kg so far, and I think she’s getting a bit worried about the weight gain. Hehe... don’t worry dear. You’re still as lovely as the person I married in September last year, if not lovelier.

Anyhow, the rest of our weekend was spent attending toddlers’ birthday parties. As I’ve mentioned in my post on Friday, we had a birthday party to celebrate the birthdays of my nephew and niece, who turned 3, and my younger brother Didi, on Saturday. It occurred to me again that I would soon belong to the bapak budak group. The place was littered with toddlers and babies that you could have been forgiven for thinking they had all fallen from the skies. Man I feel old... And then today, another birthday party, this time another niece’s of mine 1st birthday. It was a good place to exchange notes however, and conversations were naturally engaged about my own upcoming baby and my preparations for the baby’s arrival.

It’s raining babies I tell you. And soon enough, there will be one coming this way, Insya-Allah.

TGIF!

TGIF!

Before I knew it, it's Friday again. And thank goodness for that. The week flew pretty fast for me, though I did hope that it could have flown by faster. Hehe... was away from the office on Monday and Tuesday attending a budgeting workshop, and lucky when i came into the office on Wednesday, I was not awaited by another mountain of work as I had feared.

The first quarter of the year is usually rather kind for us in accounts, and with the realignment of duties here, I can afford to not get my hands dirty on everything here. Since I will be in charge of reporting only beginning this month, I won't have to worry about the closing process, theoretically speaking. My notorious senior-colleague will be in charge of that beginning this month. When I asked her what her plan was in preparing for this month's closing, she said she'd just follow through from what she did in previous months, which weren't much. And almost immediately she insisted that I hand over everything that I did for previous month ends' closing to her this month. Oookkaayyy... I just hope this month's closing will not be a disaster. Either that, or I would have to do her work for her again.

By the way, today is my younger brother Didi's birthday. Happy 25th birthday bro! And conveniently, he shares his birthday with a niece and nephew of mind, who will be having their 3rd birthday celebration tomorrow. And the good thing about sharing your birthday with young children, especially young children whose parents hold birthday parties for them, is that your birthday gets celebrated too. With a cake, birthday presents and all. Lucky guy. Though i have to admit that my parents did make it a point to buy me a cake for my birthday last year. Very kind and sweet of them, perhaps since it was going to be my last birthday as a bachelor.

Oh well, have a good day ahead all. Aren't we all glad it's Friday? :-)

Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag...

Letting The Cat Out Of The Bag...

I have an announcement to make. I have been keeping the news for quite a while now, biding my time for the right moment to spill it. Not that I want to make a big deal out of it either. The big news is? Both my wife and I are expecting a baby come this August.

So finally I've said it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm as excited as the guy who finally got his full driving licence after driving with a probationary 'P' sticker for 2 years when I first got the news. And just like that guy who finally managed to move on from the ridicule of having that red hot 'P' stuck on the front and back of his car, I would have loved to inform the whole world about this piece of news of joy for me and my wife. But somehow, I just didn't feel right talking about it, especially when the pregnancy was still at its early stages.

For one, I've heard some of the elders said that it is not wise to talk about it so much, or make too big a deal out of it, especially when the pregnancy is still at its early stages. Maybe they felt it sounds a bit boastful or too early to sound the gong and tell the whole world about it, at least not until the pregnancy has come to its last trimester. I guess there is some validity to the argument. It has a 'don't count your chicks before they hatch' ring to it. And even as my wife's come to her last trimester, I've never stopped praying to The Almighty for the good health and being of my beloved wife and baby until the day of the delivery comes. Amiin.

But of course as time progresses it becomes increasingly difficult not to talk about it, or the anticipation of the little one's arrival. Inevitably, I would feel compelled to talk about the preparation for parenthood and a lot of other stories relating to pregnancy and babies. And after doing our first preliminary shopping for baby stuffs today, I felt perhaps it was finally time for me to come out clean about it.

Getting ourselves started on the shopping felt a bit weird. None of us had done this before, obviously, so we weren't quite sure of the essential things to get first. I have been getting some tips from friends who are parents themselves on what to get, and the advices are pretty much the same: ration your purchases ie buy little by little, to go easy on the wallet. The main things to get first would be the essentials, things you would need urgently after the baby's born. So with that in mind, and not to mention that I'm desperately waiting for the next pay day, we bought some diapers, towel, baby wipes, and 2 pairs of baby outfits. Nothing much to get any baby jumping up and down to get excited about, really. The next round of shopping shall take place in 2 weeks, and it promises to be a more exciting outing than the first one. Am thinking of looking around for a baby cot and a small cupboard for the baby's stuffs.

And speaking about cats, my pet cat Neo died yesterday after being run down by a car. Poor cat. You would always be remembered for having foot fetish and play with our feet whenever we do our laundry. And despite the name we gave you, we know now you were never meant to fulfil any prophecy. Nevertheless Neo, you will be missed.

Roger and out.

A Reflection

A Reflection

I just got back from a good half hour of jogging. Boy it makes me feel good. Have not had any decent exercise since I began enslaving myself to my ACCA revision a couple of weeks ago. Despite having much more work to do at the office, I decided to put all the work aside and had the much needed exercise.

I have to admit, I've been pretty disappointed with myself this week. With my bosses and most people away from the office since Monday, I had planned to do some catching up with work and get myself ahead. Work had piled up rather consistently, and I have to say that I've been lagging at least a week or two. But with the absence of people in the office, and hence resulting a lack of activities, I had become a bit relaxed and before I know it, people will be coming back to the office tomorrow. Suddenly I feel like the rabbit that loses its lead to the turtle in a race... blimey.

And then there's that notorious colleague of mine. No, no... this is not another bitching exercise. Like I've said, I'm not really used to the practice of bitching about another person, and personally I can't keep any ill feeling towards someone without getting myself distracted from getting on with my life. Whenever I do have this kind of sentiment towards someone, things will start going wrong for me, and I will not be at my best. I will start making more mistakes, losing my sharpness at work, not to mention losing my temper more easily, and suddenly I realise that I'm not that much better of a person either compared to the person I'm complaining about.

Hence I've realised, as I often have in similar cases in the past, I would need to look deeper inside at my own weaknesses, and remind myself that I'm not without the many faults I hate others for either. And perhaps I should be more forgiving to this person. By saying this I'm not going to let the wrong things she's doing to just go on happening. When pointing at other people's mistakes, people rarely realise the fine line between correcting the person and ostracising them. And I feel perhaps I've been doing the latter rather more aggresively than I've ever had. I should therefore put this behind me and deal this better like a man.

Now you see the wonders a half hour jog could do to a man's senses.

Nobody Likes A Whiner

Nobody Likes A Whiner

Lately, I’ve been very pi**ed off with a particular colleague of mine. She’s not really a colleague mind you, but someone in a position more senior than mine. And my function serves, or used to serve, as a supplemnt to her position. With foresight, I feel it’s kinda weird that my department are taking someone from outside to do a job that I have more experience and know-how to do, with I having carried out the supporting role for the job for the last 4 years. But then you don’t question the management’s decision, and I put that down to the possible reason that the management must have thought I was either incapable or unprepared to do the job myself. I’ve always felt I had much more to learn, and perhaps there’s some wisdom in the management’s choice that my limited knowledge could understand. But then, I digress…

My animosity towards this senior of mine has been cumulating ever since her first few months here. It all started fine enough when she joined my department in November 2004, with all the credentials she has to show. She is a certified financial analyst and with some other accounting qualification at hand, and with the prospect of having a qualified professional to work alongside with, I was relishing it. And to be honest, I was feeling a bit intimidated too. Surely, she would bring with her some ideas a person of her qualification would usually do.

The first few months were understandably a transitional period, and expectedly of course, I would have to carry the extra burden that comes with teaching my senior the trades about the job she’s supposed to perform. Honestly, it was a rather humbling experience at first, with her commenting that the current system is so inefficient that so much time and manpower could be saved with some extra initiatives she intends to carry out. Heck, I was even put down by her when we had a financial performance reconciliation meeting with a line department, when she chided me in front of the member from the line department that MY inefficiency was causing unnecessary stress in reconciliation work, and then further made promise to the person that beginning the next month, when she takes full rein of the job, such unnecessary tasks would not happen again. So I was made to look incompetent. Fine. I thought to myself, let’s see how she’d do it.

All these while my discrepancies with the respective line department had been in the region of RM10k, which could be defined as immaterial. My senior was proposing a zero difference, which in reporting for a trading company like this, is extraordinary. So she prepared the financial report for that line department the next month. And the difference was? RM 20 million!

Her first reaction to that huge difference? 'Izwan, check what’s wrong with my numbers. I can’t seem to point where the difference comes from'. You’re talking about RM20 million here makcik, not 20 sen. It’s like not being able to find the Twin Towers when you’re in KL. And so I redid the report that she prepared. And beginning that month itself, she told me to carry on with the reporting as she began to dislike the person from that line department that we had a meeting with the previous month. She said ‘he’s too pushy, asking too many questions about the report’. Well if my accounts you prepared showed a RM20 million difference, I would ask a million of questions too!

Things went pretty much downhill from then. She wasn’t taking charge of things that she’s supposed to. And what annoys me the most is that, she would do some shoddy work with reports in a split second without even verifying the correctness of the numbers, and then hand them to me to verify and confirm. And that’s pretty much the pattern up until now that I end up doing most of the reports, and most of the time correcting the mess that she made.

I blew my top recently though. I had to go on leave for my exams, and I left her some tasks which were urgent for submission while I was away. When I came back to the office, I was horrified to find out that nothing yet was done. When I confronted her, she claimed our non-exec staffs did not get back to her and informed her what to do, so she did nothing. ‘You waited for instructions from your non-exec staffs? Shouldn’t you be instructing them what to do?’, I fired back. She was adamant the particular non-exec staff was making her life difficult however. Ok la, fine I said…

So I told her to help me do it now, since I had loads of other things I left her to do that were still undone to do. She went on to do what I asked her to do, and again submitted to me haywired numbers. When I confronted her again with this, she said she couldn’t do it any further, as she was already busy with some other tasks at that time, failing to note that sitting next to her cubicle, I couldn’t help noticing her computer screen would always either show the website of some online music, or opened forward e-mail attachments. And on that same ‘busy’ evening of hers, she left the office at 5pm to go for squash practice.

Grrrrrr!!!

And today, as I’m working my a** off to complete the task that she claims she’s too busy to help me with, she’s been out of the office all morning sightseeing at a nearby convention that I would have to skip since I’m NOT TOO BUSY doing my job.

Arrgghhhh!!

My point is, I’m tired of whining about her everyday, and I really hate to whine and bitch about her. It doesn’t feel right, and maybe I should bring the matter up to my boss for his further action on the matter. Another colleague of mine made a comment that I looked busy all the time, and when I responded sarcastically it’s because I’m carrying a deadweight in the office, she countered back by saying ‘that’s what you say. Others might see it differently.’ I take that as a hint that perhaps I’ve whined about the matter too much, and maybe I should put a stop to it. I admit, nobody likes a whiner. Now it’s either I do something about it, or shut up about the matter altogether. And I intend to make this colleague-from-hell of mine to be more accountable for her responsibilities here, some way or another. You just watch…

I know, I know. I shall stop the whining. *Sigh*

Not Another Manic Monday

Not Another Manic Monday

It's just another manic Monday
I wish it was Sunday
'Cause that's my funday
An I-don't-have-to-run day
It's just another manic Monday

- Manic Monday, Bangles -

It doesn't really feel like a Monday morning today. Most probably due to almost 90% of the office people being away today, on duty for this annual convention that the company I work for organise. I've been wanting to volunteer for the conference since the day I started work here, but there has always been something to stop me from being available to participate. The first year was due to some misunderstanding between myself and the organising committee, and my name got left out at the finalisation of names of participants. Ever since then, my non-participation have been largely due to busy work schedule and I feel even the boss has reservations about me participating. Oh well, I guess I won't mind. It should ensure me a relatively peaceful few days in the office, until the convention ends in 3 days.

Spent the weekend lazing around and not doing much. It felt like a sinful luxury, what after the weeks of exertions preparing for my ACCA exams. The highlight of the weekend was probably attending my cousin's wedding in Subang Jaya. My, listening to the sound of kompangs and seeing the bride and groom walk up the aisle brings back sweet memories of my own wedding all over again. Like I told wifey, it feels only like yesterday when we were just married. Hehe...

The wedding was ok. It is unfortunate however, that some bad feelings were generated from the whole affair. I guess since I belong to the 2nd generation in the family, I might not have felt the pang so much that have come out from the controversies that had arisen. I do not want to speak ill of anyone, and I think it's suffice to say that some matters relating to family affairs could have been done better. I'm not telling people how the whole function should have been conducted, but when one side of the family felt they were being deliberatly marginalised in favour of the other, you can't help feeling unwanted. And then setting up rules like no children under the age of 8 should be brought to the hotel function. That basically ruled out almost 60% of my relatives, and in the end many others just chose to stay away altogether. It is a bit sad that such a sacred event like a wedding becomes a cause for ill-feeling, especially within a family. Many lessons can be gained from here.

Oh well...

The morning's still young, and apart from the rain outside, the signs are today is not going to be like another manic Monday. And in such rarities, I don't have to wish it was Sunday. :-)

Have a good week ahead people!

Merdeka! Merdeka!

Merdeka! Merdeka!


The late Tunku after passing his ACCA exams...

Do not adjust your wristwatches or even your calendar. It is not yet the 31st August and yet another celebration of Malaysia's independence day. It is however a celebration of independence of sort for me, as I've finally finished the last of my 2 ACCA papers this last Wednesday. Well, I can't really say that everything is done and over with yet as I still have 8 more papers to sit for, assuming I pass the 2 papers I sat for this time. Classes for the December examination should begin sometime in July. Nevertheless, I'm going to bask in this moment of temporary freedom while it lasts. Ahhhh....

So how did it go? Well, I'm happy to say that I think it went okay. My exam answers weren't exactly award-winning material, but I think I've done enough to realistically hope for a pass. Yep, a pass is all I need. Gone are the days when I used to come home from an exam going through my class notes and textbooks checking whether I've given the right answers in the exam, and then estimating what score I would probably be getting. And in those days, anything less than 90% was considered as a disappointment. These days, even the passing mark of 50% is considered such a sacred number that I would happily accept it if someone had told me before the exam that's the score I would be getting. Boy, how time has changed.

Doing my studies part time has opened my eyes to a few things which I used to take for granted. One of them is how much time a full time student has in his hands to prepare for the exams, compared to us part timers. Having to do it part time, I've had to plan my revision time properly, and squeeze it through my busy work and social schedule. And it is even more difficult than I make it sound. Like I've mentioned before, it is the last thing that you fancy, to open your 300 over pages textbook, together with your yellow-colored highlighted class notes, after you've just had a long day at the office. And in my case, when I say long days at the office, I literally mean it. I can count with the fingers on my right hand of the number of days I've actually left the office before 6pm in a year.

As much as I dread it, that's exactly what I've forced myself to do this last couple of weeks. Been staying till past midnight on some ocassions worming my textbooks and highlighting lines on my class notes. It requires quite a considerable amount of mental strength to get myself doing all that.

Come to think of it, the revision doesn't feel so bad after you've survived the first hour of it. And even more so, it could sometime prove difficult to switch off your head when going to bed later in the night. It is the next morning when the real test sets in, when you have to wake up. And knowing you'd have to go through the same routine all over again.

Until of course, the end of the exams. Which is why I'm rejoicing this moment so much, temporary though it might be.

Before walking into the exams hall, you can see all sorts of emotions visible on the faces of the candidates. There were the confident ones, those with the relaxed eyebrows and slight smile, a reflection of quiet confidence. These kinds of people are ready for anything you throw them, and therefore are peace in mind. And then there are those who spot questions, and have that slightly wary look about them. The forehead is slightly stretched, as the eyebrows are dragged to the centre of their faces by the tension. "If they start asking about question A rather than question B, I'm gonna be dead meat" is the favourite theme in these people's minds.

And then there are those who are totally unprepared for it. This group can be divided into 2 though: 1. The first is the one with the deceptive smile, one which makes you think they're prepared. The smile in fact is just a sign of calm resignation, knowing that all the worries in the world would not help to serve the cause in the next few hours of the exams; 2. The second is the remorseful type, and you will see they have that sorry "I promise to myself I would not get myself in this situation again in the future" look. This 2nd type is more optimistic however, and they're the ones who first come up with the phrase "it might not be as bad as you think". They believe in miracles, and however dismal their performance in the exam might be, still hopeful for the improbable.

My exams result will come out in August. And I am counting on it to be a month of multiple celebrations for me. Amiin.