It Was The Worst Of Times...

My life had been going at a frantic place sometime between January and March this year. And as you may suspect, as sad as it sounds, it was all due to office work commitments. It was so bad that I had to stay up as late as after midnight and get up as early as before fajr to make sure I sticked to deadlines. My mind was constantly running financial numbers, analysis that i was even doing them in my sleep. In one instant, i remember falling asleep while working on this one assignment. But my mind had in fact continued thinking and analysing that the moment i figured the answer out in my sleep, i immediately jumped out of bed and continued where i had left off. I was running on adrenaline as much as abundant supplies of high sugar and fatty foods, traditionally known to provide instant boost of energy and release of serotonin to make me last the pace. Yup, ladies and gentlemen, these last 3 months of stress had made pig out like crazy. The maddening place only began to subside recently and i have suddenly found myself in a crisis of motivation all of a sudden. Yup, i too suspect that i'm going through a phase of burnout.

That maddening phase i went through had given me both physical and mental anguish. It sort of made me ask some searching questions about myself: Is this the life i want? Am i really up to the challenge? Am i good enough to even be here? Have i let my superiors and team mates down? How do i really measure against those other young and high flying executives? Will i ever amount to anything one day, both as a person and an employee of this company? What would my family think of me? Those feelings are probably compounded by the fact that some of my peers have already taken the next step in their career progression and gone on to become managers and higher. And to rub salt to the wound, a friend of mine recently got promoted as a direct superior of mine. Really, the way events have developed these last couple of months, i could probably be forgiven for falling into the path of depression once again.

I feel like i've been slowing down of late since those crazy moments. No, work has not significantly reduced since, but i have suddenly developed a couldn't care less attitude. Maybe i'm tired, maybe i've just become deluded. My judgements have been questionable at best, and baffling at its worst. I couldn't even do as simple a task as ordering refreshments for a meeting without mucking up. For a meeting last week, I ordered refreshments for 7 for a 10 people meeting. I couldn't even make simple decisions. And worryingly, i didn't even seem to care. I was already looking forward to the next weekend the moment the week begins. I just abhorred being in the office.

Of course i think my bosses have begun to look worried and become uneasy. My direct bosses have been nothing but supportive, fighting for my case to the ground during my last performance review. I can only hope that i've justified their faith and assessment of me. Sometimes i feel too small for the job, and their trust in me. At worst, i've felt like quitting on the spot rather than face another day of being lost and hampering my self esteem further. It's hard having to continuously meet people's expectation of you when the task feels gargantuan and stretching you all the time...

At the moment, it does seem like there's a glimmer of light at the end of this madness. Honestly, i feel like someone who's just been revived from a KO punch, or maybe like someone who's just recently recovered his sanity. I can feel, think and reason again, albeit slowly, rationalising events that have taken place and their consequences. After going through what i've been through, it has made me to realise how thin the line is between sanity and insanity. I believe i've threaded the line, although how far to the other side i can't be quite certain.

Let's just hope that i will remain on this right side of that line for a lot longer...