My Inner Voice Speaks

These last couple of days, I have come to learn (or perhaps rediscover) the art of listening to the voices within me again. Before I get anybody alarmed suspecting that I'm beginning to suffer from schizophrenia, let me reassure you it's not THAT kind of voices I'm talking about. It is the voice of your heart, or what the malays would call 'suara hati', which in my interpretation at least, asks you questions about your own mortality, happiness, ambitions, and where you are in the bigger scheme of life. Muslims call it 'muhasabah', a process of reflection of one's life, where we are in the bigger scheme of things, and where we're heading towards. And I feel that my recent job transfer probably has something to do with it.

I have recently moved to a new job within the same company beginning a month ago, after close to 7 years working in the old position. My old position had it's fair share of joy and fun in the early days, but in the last 2-3 years or so, have made me to drag myself to work. And if I may be honest, I could trace the reason for such a feeling to a particular person in the office whom of late has not just made my life a miserable hell, but the lives of others in the office as well.

If you traced back some of my earlier postings about a colleague from hell, then you would know who i mean. To give you a better perspective how really bad she is, whatever I have written about her in these pages a couple of years are not even half as bad as what she has really turned out to be. I had decided to stop bitching about her after my 2 posting about her back then as I felt bitching about others is not really a healthy way to handling such issues.

As a result, it probably caused the voice within me to go quiet altogether and I lost touch with the very essence of myself. I lost the voice within me that usually gave me my reason and drive. Because I had to live with working with such an incompetent monkey for so long, I had learnt to just live with imperfections and assume others would too. My bosses had allowed her to continue with her incompetence for so long that the whole unit almost turned into ruins. For instance, the company's financial statements for the year, which was under the monkey's KPI for the last year, was late by over 2 months, and even then it wasn't her who finally completed it. Just like the year before, she made horrendous mess with the accounts before conveniently falling ill on the day of the deadline, and left her shit to another colleague of mine and myself to clear it for her. We went back at 4 in the morning that day and to add salt to injury, the boss made us continue doing her job and gave us a scolding for being slow the next day. The monkey who conveniently felt better that day got away with nothing.

That was just a classic example of what she is capable of doing. I could go on and on about the unspeakable and dishonorable things she's done, but that would be digressing too far from the main reason for this posting and I shall save such stories of the good-for-nothing monkey for later. As it is now, I can feel my heartbeat beating slightly faster recounting the above events of her doing.

Basically, having to endure such a difficult colleague and a demanding boss who did not really know how to manage such a colleague and the ensuing mess she created, took its toll on me and I suffered in silence. My motivation gone, energy zapped, and I was beginning to have self esteem issues. I began asking myself, 'is this it?'. I felt like I was facing a great wall with no way to move forward or move around, and it felt hopeless.

The new job has so far given me a new lease of life. I am required to learn again, and I am again made to feel like a freshie in a new school. I'm made to feel dumb again, which requires me to go around looking for some answers. I'm exposed to embarassing moments of clueless-ness, and the regular telling off from the boss for freshie-like errors. The pressure to meet such high expectations, to my own surprise, had given me the zest again to stand up and show what I can do under such adverse situations. And yeah, almost all my colleagues in my new work place are merit-rated material, so I very much feel like a small fish in a big pond at the moment. The good thing about that is, there is an almost certainty that I won't have the same problem of dealing with incompetent people like in my old place.

I suddenly have so much to tell. But I guess the rest can wait till later. I have made a pledge that certain things about me will change, and I look towards the future with optimism. Things are not necessarily going to get any easier, but at least I now feel better prepared for any eventuality.