Khutbah today

The khutbah today gets me into self-reflection mode. Do we realise how much we sin everyday, and what do we do about it? 

Reading the Quran

I realised that it takes me only approximately 40 minutes to read half juzu' of the Quran. And had i discplinely read it twice a day on 40 minutes sitting each, i would have been able to complete reading the whole Quran in this month of Ramadhan. That is only 80 minutes of my 24 hours or 1,440 minutes day. Sometimes, success lies in putting your task into perspective. As much as it saddens me that this realisation comes a bit too late as Ramadhan comes to a close, i hope this lesson shall serve me well to continue with my amal of reading of the Quran, and set myself the target of completing reading the Quran again. Hopefully, it will become a norm for me enough tha by the time Ramadhan is upon me again next year ( Insya-Allah), i shall be more prepared and deserving of the rewards that come with it. Amiin.

My Ramadhan Report Card

Salams... Ramadhan is almost leaving us. Today is the last day of Ramadhan, and we Muslims will be celebrating Syawal Aidilfitri tomorrow. 

I feel like it was only yesterday Ramadhan was upon us. And today it is leaving us again... It will be another year before we will be graced by this holy month again. Has this Ramadhan been a fruitful one for me?

In perspective, i can probably say that it has been one of my more fruitful ones, if the Ramadhan of more recent years are compared to. On the same note howevevr, i can't really look back and say that I have done enough and taken full advantage of the benefits of the month in terms of my ibadah as a whole. I guess i started the month well with my Quran recitations and appreciation of the Quran. I ventured into reading the interpretation of the Quran on top of reciting it, and it gave me a deeper feeling of appreciation of it. Other aspects of my ibadah sort of grew from the beginning of the month, and I had the sense of peace and hope that it will grow stronger towards the end of the month, to peak and climax in time for the last 10 days of the month when the night of Qadar is said in the Quran to be upon us.

But alas, the momentum that i tried to build at the beginning did not last as long as I hoped, and i sort of gotten drag by the usual worldly preoccupation towards the end of it, barely managing to bring myself to improve upon my ibadah as Ramadhan comes to a close.

I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like being visited by a very special and most rewarding guest,whose visit had been awaited for the whole year. Whose visit had been longed and fondly missed, of which by the time it came, i shed a tear of joy because i had missed it so much. Sadly then, instead of cherishing the guest's presence, i behaved nonchalantly towards the end of its stay until time has run out and it is time for the guest to leave again. 

Forgive me ya Allah for allowing my ignorance to let this happen, again. 

My doa is that whatever small improvements that i have made to my ibadah over this last month, to be continued (istiqamah) and improved upon. The reading of the Quran. The sunnat prayers. The visits to the masjid. The jamaah in solat. The reading of Islamic books. If anything, I pray that my istiqamah will be my saving grace from this Ramadhan, and that i will be given the chance yet again to try and make amends, and be a most thankful and appreciative host of the next Ramadhan in the coming year. Amiin.

A Wish for a Despicable Person

Received an email from work just after dinner that is causing me stress to no end at the moment. My mind can't stop thinking of how annoying it was, and how things could have been said differently. Or how or what i could have done to avoid receiving such language and tone in the email. I rarely wish for bad things to happen to others, but in the case of this one person i will make an exception. I wish for the worst to befall you, and that you will be cursed with a lot of pain, anguish, distress, worry and perpetual failure in whatever you do, for as long as you treat other people in this manner.

Amiin.

Raining in My Heart...

The sun is out - the sky is blue 

there’s not a cloud to spoil the view 

but it’s raining - raining in my heart 

The weather man says clear today 

he doesn’t know you’ve gone away 

and it’s raining - raining in my heart 

Oh, misery - misery 

what’s gonna become of me 

I tell my blues they mustn’t show 

but soon these tears are bound to flow 

cause it’s raining - raining in my heart 

But it’s raining - raining in my heart 

And it’s raining - raining in my heart

By Buddy Holly

Letting Go...

I just have to accept that what i expect will not happen, and then maybe it will be easier for me to be at peace with what's going on. Maybe then there will not be too much resistance, and less tension. 

But..

Maybe then we'll just drift apart and diverge in our own ways... Lost in our own paths that brings our own personal comfort and complacency. Just like the universe itself which keeps expanding itself, it seems like the natural order of things to drift apart and diverge from the original point of emergence. Sometimes the force of divergence is too strong and so varied in its form, just holding on can be such a stressful and painful experience. At times, such as now, i do not know whether i should care. 

Maybe i just have too many ideals. And my ideals are just not acceptable to some. Maybe people find them bothersome. The suggestion to accept my ideals becomes like an intrusion, a question of the validity of one's own ideals. People get defensive. They fight back. They become contemptuos. Hence, what started as an attempt in sharing ideals for the common good instead becomes a game of contempt, bad faith, anger and frustration.

The last straw will be the lost of hope and faith. As it is now, it feels like the last straw may have been nudged enough to fall loose with the slightest of pull next.

Maybe i just have to accept the inevitable. Maybe then i will be at peace again and be able reconstruct my spirits to be strong and independent again. Maybe then the hurt will go, or at least not as intense.

Maybe...

Missing Her...

It is late at night. It has been a number of nights without the company of wifey. She has been desperately busy with her company's budget cycle, spending long hours at the office, coming home only for a wash and change of clothes. It has been over a week like this. It feels funny not having her around, and having to manage the kids all by myself. Well, not exactly all by myself, with my Bibik's help always at hand. Nevertheless, it feels lonely without wifey's presence. 

I noticed that whenever we did see her over this last one week, it was obvious that her mind was still engaged in work, mentally and emotionally. Coming home was just a passing motion, a necessity borne out of the need to wash and change of clothes. I could sense though that her heart wanted to break out of the claw of the stress of her work, and reaching out to us with care for nothing else. But I know it was hard. Been through it myself and struggled, although the extent might not be the same...

How do i feel about all this? Like I've said... Lonely. I miss my wife. I miss just having her around. Missing to hear her voice telling me of her stories at work or the latest updates of the score of Malay dramas that she follows, even if the truth is I have never been really listening for more than half of the time. I sorely miss her, that I find myself struggling to sleep at night. I would stay up until late fiddling with my phone, browsing my FB page or the scores of news about Arsenal on my Safari bookmark on my Iphone 5, tryimg to bore myself to sleep. Fortunately, I have managed to eventually sleep these last couple of days doing just that, though it has been taking me till the wee hours in the morning doing so. Having surah Yusuf playing from my IPad has somehow helped to bring calm and peace in my heart, and has eased me somewhat to sleep these last couple of days...

I miss you sayang. I know you are surely feeling more miserable than I do at this moment, having to spend crazy hours with number crunching and preparing presentations. May Allah give you the strength to go through this difficult moment, and grant you with His blessings. Insya-Allah it will be over soon...