Searching...

Not been up to my best lately. Motivation has been hard to come by. I seem to find it a challenge to look forward to the next day with any sense of excitement or anticipation. It seems like I am just going with the flow, wherever that might take me. I feel as though I do not have much care in the world about what might transpire or happen. It is almost like I am waiting in anticipation for some magic / miracle to happen and shake me up to life again. It has been some wait, and I only have the sense of someone drifting aimlessly in a big and lonely ocean (pretty much like that guy in that movie Life of Pi). 

Maybe at times what I need is a time to myself? A carefree feeling when you do not have to worry about anything, like someone waiting on you, or the feeling of having to keep pace with everyone else. Or the feeling of having to meet the expectation of the people around you. Perhaps it will be a good thing to just sit or lie down in a hammock under the shade of a coconut tree at the beach, and just stare into the vastness of the sea, letting the time pass by you as if nothing else matters but that moment itself. To just let myself sink in the moment of idleness.

Dear selfie,

Where are you? Please come home...

These are difficult times. I have to admit I have never felt this way before for a long time. I have been struggling to find ways to cheer myself up. All to no avail. There is this struggle within me to convince myself that I am worthy, or that everything will turn out ok. It scares me at times that I worry about almost everything almost everyday these days, that it almost feels like I am lost walking in a very dark and foggy forest. There is that real fear within me that I may not be able to find the light in the sky anytime soon.

It is funny how even the smallest of changes can accumulate and end up becoming something so big and potentially life-changing. It feels as though this feeling I am having now has started quite a while back, although I suspect back then it was a feeling which I could manage and hide. It has come to a point whereby it bothers me to no end, and it feels as though it is being fed to be be fat enough to whisper negative thoughts into my head incessantly. Thoughts like, "Am I not worthy? Why did I let that happen? Why did I just leave that guy off the hook so easily? I could have done more to make things better..."... these are amongst the thoughts that keep playing in my head at the moment, consciously and subconsciously, and they are could be so deafening that I could sometimes barely hear anything else.

Oh Allah... I have no one else to run to but you. Give me the strength oh Allah. The saddest part in this whole sad episode I am going through now is that, because of what it does to my peace of mind, I can't seem to bring myself to be closer to you. I feel as helpless as a chicken in a slaughterhouse, just waiting for his next turn to be slaughtered. I need the strength... and there is no one in this world but you o Allah who could wake me up from this lowest moment I am going through but You.

I need help... I need to wake up...

Khutbah today

The khutbah today gets me into self-reflection mode. Do we realise how much we sin everyday, and what do we do about it? 

Reading the Quran

I realised that it takes me only approximately 40 minutes to read half juzu' of the Quran. And had i discplinely read it twice a day on 40 minutes sitting each, i would have been able to complete reading the whole Quran in this month of Ramadhan. That is only 80 minutes of my 24 hours or 1,440 minutes day. Sometimes, success lies in putting your task into perspective. As much as it saddens me that this realisation comes a bit too late as Ramadhan comes to a close, i hope this lesson shall serve me well to continue with my amal of reading of the Quran, and set myself the target of completing reading the Quran again. Hopefully, it will become a norm for me enough tha by the time Ramadhan is upon me again next year ( Insya-Allah), i shall be more prepared and deserving of the rewards that come with it. Amiin.

My Ramadhan Report Card

Salams... Ramadhan is almost leaving us. Today is the last day of Ramadhan, and we Muslims will be celebrating Syawal Aidilfitri tomorrow. 

I feel like it was only yesterday Ramadhan was upon us. And today it is leaving us again... It will be another year before we will be graced by this holy month again. Has this Ramadhan been a fruitful one for me?

In perspective, i can probably say that it has been one of my more fruitful ones, if the Ramadhan of more recent years are compared to. On the same note howevevr, i can't really look back and say that I have done enough and taken full advantage of the benefits of the month in terms of my ibadah as a whole. I guess i started the month well with my Quran recitations and appreciation of the Quran. I ventured into reading the interpretation of the Quran on top of reciting it, and it gave me a deeper feeling of appreciation of it. Other aspects of my ibadah sort of grew from the beginning of the month, and I had the sense of peace and hope that it will grow stronger towards the end of the month, to peak and climax in time for the last 10 days of the month when the night of Qadar is said in the Quran to be upon us.

But alas, the momentum that i tried to build at the beginning did not last as long as I hoped, and i sort of gotten drag by the usual worldly preoccupation towards the end of it, barely managing to bring myself to improve upon my ibadah as Ramadhan comes to a close.

I feel ashamed of myself. I feel like being visited by a very special and most rewarding guest,whose visit had been awaited for the whole year. Whose visit had been longed and fondly missed, of which by the time it came, i shed a tear of joy because i had missed it so much. Sadly then, instead of cherishing the guest's presence, i behaved nonchalantly towards the end of its stay until time has run out and it is time for the guest to leave again. 

Forgive me ya Allah for allowing my ignorance to let this happen, again. 

My doa is that whatever small improvements that i have made to my ibadah over this last month, to be continued (istiqamah) and improved upon. The reading of the Quran. The sunnat prayers. The visits to the masjid. The jamaah in solat. The reading of Islamic books. If anything, I pray that my istiqamah will be my saving grace from this Ramadhan, and that i will be given the chance yet again to try and make amends, and be a most thankful and appreciative host of the next Ramadhan in the coming year. Amiin.

A Wish for a Despicable Person

Received an email from work just after dinner that is causing me stress to no end at the moment. My mind can't stop thinking of how annoying it was, and how things could have been said differently. Or how or what i could have done to avoid receiving such language and tone in the email. I rarely wish for bad things to happen to others, but in the case of this one person i will make an exception. I wish for the worst to befall you, and that you will be cursed with a lot of pain, anguish, distress, worry and perpetual failure in whatever you do, for as long as you treat other people in this manner.

Amiin.